When does neediness for a man’s approval put a woman in danger?

Have you ever deferred taking care of your emotional or physical heath because you feared disapproval or abandonment by a man?

Recently, a  very educated colleague named Sheila called me as she was driving to meet a man for a drink. She had not yet met him in person, but had only connected with him via an Internet Dating site.

She lives about 20 miles from my home, and while driving, she called me to ask for directions to the restaurant. I told her how to get there, and then she told me that the indicator light was showing low air pressure in her tires.

It was Friday early evening, and I told her, “You are in luck….there is a tire place en-route to the restaurant, and they are open for another hour. Just drive by, and they will put air in your tires”.

Her response was shocking to me. She said, “Since I am meeting him for the first time, I do not want to be late”. I responded that the guys at the tire place are excellent, fast and trustworthy, and that it will only take a few minutes of time. I also mentioned that since she can reach her new date by cell phone, he would understand that taking care of tires is a valid reason to run 10 minutes late. I re-emphasized the it would take at most, 10 minutes.

She refused to consider my suggestion, stating that this would be a good test of his chivalry, to allow him to take care of the tires. I told her that there are no tire places available after 7 pm on a Friday evening, and that her idea to have him “rescue” her was unlikely to be successful. I emphasized my concern for her safety, driving home on the highway for 20 miles late at night on tires with under-inflation.

She could not hear any of my suggestions, and sure enough, there were no places to fill up her tires, and she drove another 20 miles on the highway on tires that may have been unsafe.

The next morning, she told me  she needed to cancel plans with 6 women friends she planned to meet at a museum at 11am, since she did not get up early enough to deal with the tires.

She confidently affirmed  that the women would understand that these things happen in  life. (She did not tell her friends that she, in fact, decided not to ask a man to wait 10 minutes the night before, in order to put air in tires.)  I was intrigued with her double standard, having no problem disappointing her woman friends because she did not want a potential new man in her life to wait 10 minutes.

The next words out of her mouth were even more perplexing. She said,
“My life is always filled with obstacles”, and conveyed a perception of “victim consciousness” that “troubles in life seem to find her and taunt her”.

She was unable to see the obvious, that she failed to take the logical action, which was to quickly get to the tire place, on the way to her restaurant, and ask the stranger she had not yet met to wait 10 minutes.

Tips to Consider: 

1) Have you ever put your life or safety at risk because you wanted to impress a man?

2) Do you tend to sacrifice taking care of your needs, and potentially jeopardize your safety, because you fear abandonment by someone you are trying to impress?

3) Where in your childhood history might this tendency to abandon yourself begin?

4) Whose love did you not get as a child, that may be unconsciously running your behavior?

5) What will it take to make these emotional patterns more in conscious control, and heal the childhood wounds that may be unhealed?