Tag Archives: Ellen Anmuth Psychotherapist

“The Voice”: Can the Judges Behave Better?

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I love music. I play guitar and piano, and appreciate all forms of music. When fresh talent comes to the TV screen in a wonderful show like “The Voice”, I applaud the creativity of the production, the bravery of the contestants, and the sincerity of the judges….until this year. For this new season of 2014, the judges seem to have embraced a phony sort of behavior, resorting to flamboyant acts of attention getting to woo the singers. Have ratings dropped for the show?  I doubt it. Why this new odd behavior by the judges?

I miss the past shows, where some banter between judges was cute and light-hearted, while always focusing on the singers. In earlier years, the judges’ feedback was constructive and professional.

The first two shows of 2014 were filled with a theatrical element that, in my opinion, is “cringe-worthy”. I hope the show returns to the spirit of professional feedback to the singers, with the prior spirit of playful joking, rather than have the judges engage in strange and odd behavior that is reminiscent of 7th grade level nonsense of  begging the singers to select them.

I will give this show a few more episodes before I stop watching in sad resignation. Let’s hope that the Judges’ over the top antics do not ruin the show for the hopeful contestants. The brave and talented singers of “The Voice” deserve better.

Baby Boomers: Your Beatles Scrapbook Revisited

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Hey, Baby Boomers…..It’s hard to believe that the Beatles came to the USA 50 years ago. In reflecting on this 50th Anniversary, what did the Beatles mean to you back then? There were so many musical groups to enjoy… the Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Dave Clark Five, the Motown groups, and too many others to recount.

We met The Beatles first on the Ed Sullivan Show. The energy of the time was transformed by these young guys from England. During interviews, they were jovial, humorous, warm and fun guys, without pretense.

JFK was shot, and the country was traumatized. The energy of joy and excitement from the Beatles was a buffer to the national grief. When I was a child, I made a Beatles Scrapbook.  Which of the singers were you drawn to? Reflecting back, who were you at the time, and why did you relate to one or more of the Beatles?

It is a fine time to treasure the gift they gave us, savor the memories of how they transformed our lives, and appreciate the amazing music that is ours forever.

 

How to Hold it Together When You Are Coming Apart…Or, It Just Feels That Way

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“Ask Ellen Anmuth Psychotherapist” is an ongoing feature of this blog, “TheLanguageOfSolutions.com/blog”. Readers’ questions  are answered when they have a broad appeal. Samantha is dealing with  universal issues of grief, loss, change and feeling overwhelmed, depressed and anxious.

Samantha from Texas writes: Dear Ellen Anmuth, MSW, Licensed Psychotherapist and Genetic Grief Counselor:

I have been dealing with many changes in my life. A new job has required me to relocate to another state, away from family and friends. In addition, I need to buy a house, pack and move. I feel overwhelmed with all the details. I am becoming depressed, and the more depressed I get, the more I feel scared that I am in a downward spiral. Please help me cope with all the things I am facing, as I am not holding it together very well. I cannot seem to concentrate as well as I used to.

Ellen Anmuth, MSW, Licensed Psychotherapist:  Dear Samantha: I am sorry to hear that you are feeling depressed, anxious and overwhelmed by the stress of a new job, new location, needing to buy a house, pack, move and handle all the paperwork and details of that relocation.

A home relocation is a giant task…a new job is also huge…buying a new home and moving out of state is monumental.  Feeling overwhelmed by the enormity of the tasks is normal.

One solution to getting control of the feelings of depression and anxiety may be revealed in a strategy called compartmentalization.  Here are some techniques that can help:

1) Become aware that there are emotional tasks, intellectual tasks, and physical tasks. Some people believe that there are also spiritual tasks. It may be helpful to begin to write in a journal. log book or diary, creating a section for each topic above.

2) Once you have made entries in your log book related to these different “task” areas, create another sub-section where you write down your emotions related to each area. The exercise of naming our emotions and writing our thoughts and feelings about them may create a sense of catharsis and control. In addition, this exercise may identify topics and areas of your life in which seeking support would be helpful. The support can be in the area of professional counseling, reaching our to friends, or other resources in your community.

3) Years ago, I was a Grant Writer. Faced with this gigantic task, I would make an outline, including goals, objectives and action steps to achieve each goal. For anyone facing a major life move, breaking down each big task into smaller “mini-tasks” can provide two things: (a) a road map of what to do first, second and third, and (b) emotional relief over some feelings of stress, in that the trail to follow has been mapped out.

4) Stay Flexible to Change Course: Anything can pop-up along the way that is unexpected. It is best to “expect the unexpected”, so that road blocks encountered can be experienced as expected steps, not as scary surprises.

5) Honor Feelings of Grief and Loss: Even when a relocation is expected and hoped for, such as a desired new job, feelings of sadness and loss will likely come along. Saying goodbye to friends and local family is very challenging. Finding a good therapist who understands the grief process can be helpful, (Remember that not all losses and grief processes involve an actual death, but rather, separations and change.)

Samantha, I hope these strategies help during your time of transition.

 

Hope and Despair: How Full is Your Cup?

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Hope and Despair: Ellen AnmuthAre you a “Cup-Half-Empty” person, a “Cup-Half-Full” person, or some place in between?  There are many ways to think about the answer….yes, the question is very subjective and open to interpretation. I did that on purpose.

Where on the continuum of optimistic or pessimistic do you place yourself? If you think of yourself as a pessimist now, were you once an optimist? If so, was there a life event, or multiple life events, that changed your view?

As a Licensed Psychotherapist, I believe that the assessment is an important step in the psychotherapy process. A family history is always a part of the evaluation. I recall one client who was molested in childhood, and could not recall the exact age of the abuse. I asked her to bring in childhood photos. The answer came to her clearly, as we sat together in my office. Flipping through photos, she noticed the change in her smile around the age of 9 or 10. The demarcation point of her sad look was clear, signaling the likely age that the abuse began.

I wonder how this event affected her view of the world? She admitted feeling anxious and powerless related to the repeat sexual abuse by a family friend.

When she came to my office as a 30 year old woman, she appeared happy and upbeat on the surface, but there was a sadness below. We worked through her sexual abuse trauma, and she came through the experience of therapy with a more integrated self and a deeper sense of peace.

Some believe that our outlook in life is based on a combination of Genetics and Environment. What do you think? If you tend to feel more pessimistic about life in general, could it be that you had a trauma in childhood that you may not have healed?

Questions to Ask Yourself:

1) Do you remember a time in life when a trauma happened, and you buried it deeply, not dealing with it?

2) Were your parents optimists or pessimists, or somewhere in between?

3) Have you taken on the world view of your parents? In other words, if your parents were pessimists, do you find that you tend to give up before even trying, because you doubt you will be successful?

4) Do you find yourself listening to mostly sad stories or news reports, or do you open yourself up to hearing about happy and inspirational stories?

Asking yourself these questions can begin the journey into self awareness, and help you identify if your “Cup-Half-Empty” belief system is from unresolved trauma or from your family or origin. Some people suffer a genetic form of depression, and could benefit from therapy. With awareness, change is possible.

 

Boston Marathon Bomber Targets Runners’ Lower Extremities: A Study in Mental Illness

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To: Readers of www.TheLanguageOfSolutions.com/blog

From: Ellen Anmuth Licensed Psychotherapist

Re: This blog article is being updated due to the one year anniversary of the attack.  The power of human spirit to be resilient is evident in the countless survivors of this bombing who lost feet and legs. A recent TV interview showed the group of amputees vowing to support a young woman facing the amputation of her leg.  Many survivors described the uplifting spirit of support that helped to comfort, in light of this awful tragedy. Yes, the human spirit is so impressive.  Ellen Anmuth, LCSW.

Shock, Anguish, Disbelief, Anger, Fear, Grief….these words  only attempt to reflect the pain of yet another terrorist attack. The human experience can never be fully captured by language, which is merely symbolic representation of our thoughts and emotions.

As a Licensed Psychotherapist, a part of me is watching and analyzing this horrible event professionally, and  another part of me that is going through all the phases of the grief process, including sleep disturbances, agitation, tearfulness, and despair.

As I listened to descriptions of the bombs used, I heard that they were positioned to target the lower extremities. People had their legs blown off.  What causes a mentally ill person to create a sinister plan that attacks the legs of runners, and the legs of family members of runners?

One possible theory of this type of violence may be that people who were abused as children experience rage and a pervasive feeling of loss of control. These types of terrorist attacks may be fueled by the unconscious wish to get back at the world, and to feel some sense of control.  It may be, in the mentally ill person’s mind, that if they can hurt a runner so deeply that they can no longer run, that externalization of rage may temporarily numb their own inner pain.  I suspect, however, that  the numbing of the terrorist’s pain is only temporary, resulting in a cycle of violent attacks that never heal their anguish.

How can everyday people become more aware of the potential for violent or sociopathic behavior in another? Hurting another person without feeling remorse is one indicator. The lack of ability to feel empathy or guilt when inflicting pain is characteristic. If someone talks about hurting an animal, and laughs about it, that is another indicator. Often, these sociopaths can be charming, and when a person drops their guard and becomes vulnerable, the sociopath uses this moment of vulnerability to attack. The attack can take the form of stealing money or other types of interpersonal violations.

After hearing about the Boston Marathon bombing incident, I drove over to the water at sunset, to connect with nature and comfort my pain. I walked over to a dock on the bay (yes, that was a wonderful song title), and started talking with 2 college students who were fishing. We started talking spontaneously about the Boston Marathon bombing, and stories of people they knew came up. I told them I was a Licensed Psychotherapist, and I believe that, in my opinion, a large percent of criminal behavior stems from a lack of mental health prevention and treatment services. I told these fine students that I hope that as they grow into adulthood, they make an impact to try to encourage more money and attention to mental health treatment issues.

 

5 Quick & Simple Happiness Habits for Busy People

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Have you ever been so busy that you forget to center yourself, relax, de-stress and reach for a moment of happiness? Why did I use the expression, “reach for a moment of happiness”?

I think that feelings of happiness are transitory, as are all feelings, such as sadness, anxiety or anger, for example. Why not increase the moments of happiness, and decrease the other stressful feelings? Here are some quick and simple happiness habits for busy people:

1) Every so often, when your focus of attention is outside yourself–on another person or on a project or activity– do a “check-in”. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” and “What am I thinking?”

2) Take in a deep breath in while you do step #1, and on the exhale, release as many stressful feelings and thoughts that you can. Repeat this a few times.

3) Take a “60 Second Vacation”. That means to allow stressful thoughts and feelings to be suspended for 60 seconds, while you allow your thoughts and feelings to drift to a pleasant memory or peaceful image.

4) Then ask yourself, “What can I do now to nurture myself in this moment?” Perhaps you need some water or something healthy to eat, such as fruit. Perhaps you skipped lunch, and need a healthy meal. Perhaps you are exhausted, and need to rest for a longer time. If you have evaluated a situation that bothers you, maybe you have realized that you have no control over the issue that is flooding through your mind. Or, you may decide that you do have some control over an issue. If so, write down some ideas about a plan of action to address the current issue that is draining you. We usually feel better when we identify a draining issue and set up an action plan.

5) Do a Gratitude Exercise. Take a few moments to list in your mind, or write down the things you are grateful for. This has been proven to reduce stress and increase a sense of peace and happiness.

 

3 Tips for Forgiving a Person Who Hurt You

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How do you react when you are hurt (emotionally) by someone else? Do you store up anger, and feel upset for days, weeks, months or years?  Believe it or not, some people go through a lifetime of resentment, being unable to shift out of feeling upset. Here are 3 tips for forgiving a person who has hurt you.
Tip #1–Ask yourself if the person who hurt you is mentally impaired. If you have been attacked or hurt by a person with addiction, psychiatric disorders, or other impairments, it is helpful to tap into any feelings of compassion for that person. Of course, it is not easy. However, the mentally ill person may have been severely abused as a child, and  may abuse others  as a result of their trauma.

Tip # 2–Acknowledge your anger, hurt or any other feelings. Write your feelings and thoughts in a journal or diary, or talk with a friend or therapist.  Discuss your feelings with the person who hurt you, if they are receptive or able.  If these steps do not work, it may be helpful to acknowledge your feelings, explore any childhood experiences of being hurt that may be activated, and honor your need to heal from being attacked or mistreated. For many, it is necessary to grieve the symbolic or actual loss before true forgiveness can be reached.

Tip #3–Read up on the concept of forgiveness. From what I have learned, forgiveness does not mean that you condone the hurtful behavior of the other person. Rather, it means that you release the anger, and perhaps, explore if there are any positive aspects of this unfortunate experience. This is not an easy journey, and honoring your feelings of anger and hurt is the first step toward healing and moving on.

 

Watch the Charlie Rose Show’s Tribute to Roger Ebert

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Roger Ebert ‘s life was discussed on the Charlie Rose show on April 8, 2013, by a panel who were articulate, eloquent and inspiring.

I grew up watching the Siskel and Ebert film reviews on TV and enjoyed their intellectually stimulating discussions about films. In retrospect, I think that they modeled for me a level of sophisticated conversation where two very bright people could disagree and argue with respect and kindness.

That  level of intellectual conversation was a training ground for me, of sorts. As a therapist, I learned to teach communication skills and conflict resolution skills, noting the difference between “content” and “process”. Yes, the “content” of the discourse between Siskel and Ebert was lively, smart and intellectually stimulating. The “process” of their interaction was a role model where each person maintained their passionate beliefs about a film, and yet, always in a manner that acknowledged the other person’s validity and right to their point of view.

I learned that two people can have very divergent opinions, and both can be right. When it comes to a film review, many points of view have validity. These two men modeled how to have a healthy relationship….a good role model of conflict management for marriages, friendships and the business world.

When I watched the Charlie Rose tribute to Rober Ebert, other aspects were discussed, such as his generosity to write letters to his viewers, responding to their questions. He had a strong Twitter following after he lost his voice to the ravages of cancer and had written numerous letters to TV viewers, who shared these letters on Twitter. The Charlie Rose Show paid tribute to his generosity and kindness, as he took time out of his busy week to personally answer letters. The impact on his viewers was profound to them, personally and professionally.

When he lost his voice to cancer, he began to use Twitter to continue to critique films, and expanded his analysis to life and his illness. He was such an entertaining writer, that his Twitter followers looked forward to his comments about life.

What an amazing legacy of intellect, kindness and exceptional work ethic. I will certainly miss him, and recommend that The Charlie Rose Show’s tribute to Roger Ebert is a must see.

 

3 Strategies For Creating Deeper Relationships By Identifying Conflict Styles

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What are 3 Strategies for Creating Deeper Relationships?

1) Know your conflict style. During moments of conflict, do you tend to attack or detach? If you are in an intimate relationship, what is the conflict style of your partner? If both people tend to avoid conflict, the silent treatment may go on for a while, where issues become ignored and tend to fester.  If you both are hot reactors, there may be yelling and screaming, difficulty in impulse control, and much toxic rage without purposeful conflict resolution. If one person tends to detach, and the other tends to attack, the dynamic may be complex, with an appearance of passive aggressive behavior in response to angry attacks. With these extremes of conflict styles, the outcomes may range from challenging  to perhaps, dismal.

2) Once you evaluate your conflict style, determine who in your life you have difficulty relating to. Does that person have a similar conflict style, or a different style of handling conflict? Begin an inner journey of self discovery, identifying your thoughts and feelings during moments of conflict.

3) Develop a strategy to manage conflict. If you are a hot reactor, find some anger management techniques, and learn to communicate more softly and clearly, handling one small aspect of the conflict at a time. If you tend to avoid conflict, begin with small steps to develop courage to speak your needs. Explore the possibility that you may have “inherited”some family of origin messages about open and honest communication, and the prohibition of such communication. 

Whatever your conflict style, you can grow, stretch and learn new strategies to make relationships deeper, more meaningful, fulfilling and longer lasting.

Ask Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist – ABC TV’s “Shark Tank” as a Metaphor for Faith and Control

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In What Way is the ABC TV show “Shark Tank” a Metaphor for Faith and Control in Business Marketing and Development?

This series, “Ask Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist”, is devoted to addressing emails from readers.

SANDRA FROM INDIANA WRITES: I work in the field of spiritual coaching, and I find myself watching “Shark Tank” from a perspective of spirituality. In other words, I feel that people who come to the show have a dream that they wish to manifest. They seem to have some degree of control, but when they get into the “Shark Tank”, they do not know how the panel of “Sharks” will respond to their idea. Can you comment on the issue of control and spirituality related to business development?

ELLEN ANMUTH, PSYCHOTHERAPIST: I appreciate this very insightful question, Sandra. I think that the TV show, “Shark Tank” has become very popular because it taps into some of the core issues for individuals with a dream of building and promoting their own product or business. What does it tap into?

Perhaps the core issue is “Control”. The notion of “control” is a fascinating one to ponder, on many levels…practical business, spiritual and psychological.

On the TV show, “Shark Tank”, we have seen some people present their ideas with great confidence, only to find out that they are unprepared to answer questions about the nuts and bolts of the finances related to their product. Others come in very prepared financially, and yet seem to present with an air of arrogance that offends the “Sharks”.  When people have business dreams, what causes some deals to click, and other deals to fail?

An aspect of success in business promotion may be that subjective element of “right place, right time”,  and an aspect of the blending of personalities of the business owner and the business investor. What other elements are operating on both conscious and unconscious levels between people negotiating a business deal? What aspects of verbal and non-verbal communication contribute to outcomes? 

To what extent to we have control over a business situation, despite the best intentions to plan and prepare? To what extent do we have control over any interpersonal interaction?

Some Aspects to consider:

1) Did you ever feel totally prepared and confident, and find out that a presentation did not go your way? Did the opposite ever occur, in that when you are hardly trying at all, things click and unexpectedly positive things happen?

2) Do you believe in a spiritual component to business?

3) Do you believe in fate, in that if one door closes, it is because something better is around the corner?  I appreciate any comments on the topic of spirituality, control and business outcomes.