Category Archives: Relationships

3 Tips for Forgiving a Person Who Hurt You

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How do you react when you are hurt (emotionally) by someone else? Do you store up anger, and feel upset for days, weeks, months or years?  Believe it or not, some people go through a lifetime of resentment, being unable to shift out of feeling upset. Here are 3 tips for forgiving a person who has hurt you.
Tip #1–Ask yourself if the person who hurt you is mentally impaired. If you have been attacked or hurt by a person with addiction, psychiatric disorders, or other impairments, it is helpful to tap into any feelings of compassion for that person. Of course, it is not easy. However, the mentally ill person may have been severely abused as a child, and  may abuse others  as a result of their trauma.

Tip # 2–Acknowledge your anger, hurt or any other feelings. Write your feelings and thoughts in a journal or diary, or talk with a friend or therapist.  Discuss your feelings with the person who hurt you, if they are receptive or able.  If these steps do not work, it may be helpful to acknowledge your feelings, explore any childhood experiences of being hurt that may be activated, and honor your need to heal from being attacked or mistreated. For many, it is necessary to grieve the symbolic or actual loss before true forgiveness can be reached.

Tip #3–Read up on the concept of forgiveness. From what I have learned, forgiveness does not mean that you condone the hurtful behavior of the other person. Rather, it means that you release the anger, and perhaps, explore if there are any positive aspects of this unfortunate experience. This is not an easy journey, and honoring your feelings of anger and hurt is the first step toward healing and moving on.

 

3 Strategies For Creating Deeper Relationships By Identifying Conflict Styles

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What are 3 Strategies for Creating Deeper Relationships?

1) Know your conflict style. During moments of conflict, do you tend to attack or detach? If you are in an intimate relationship, what is the conflict style of your partner? If both people tend to avoid conflict, the silent treatment may go on for a while, where issues become ignored and tend to fester.  If you both are hot reactors, there may be yelling and screaming, difficulty in impulse control, and much toxic rage without purposeful conflict resolution. If one person tends to detach, and the other tends to attack, the dynamic may be complex, with an appearance of passive aggressive behavior in response to angry attacks. With these extremes of conflict styles, the outcomes may range from challenging  to perhaps, dismal.

2) Once you evaluate your conflict style, determine who in your life you have difficulty relating to. Does that person have a similar conflict style, or a different style of handling conflict? Begin an inner journey of self discovery, identifying your thoughts and feelings during moments of conflict.

3) Develop a strategy to manage conflict. If you are a hot reactor, find some anger management techniques, and learn to communicate more softly and clearly, handling one small aspect of the conflict at a time. If you tend to avoid conflict, begin with small steps to develop courage to speak your needs. Explore the possibility that you may have “inherited”some family of origin messages about open and honest communication, and the prohibition of such communication. 

Whatever your conflict style, you can grow, stretch and learn new strategies to make relationships deeper, more meaningful, fulfilling and longer lasting.

Ellen Anmuth Psychotherapist: An Analysis of Compassion, Conflict, Insight and Relationships

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Compassion, Conflict and Insight…How do these 3 concepts relate to  Relationships, Happiness, Love, Romance, Communication and Anger Management?

Today is Valentines Day….a day that is correlated with with Romantic Love. Have you ever heard the quote, “The work of real love begins after the romantic fantasy ends”? The author may have been M.Scott Peck or Harville Hendrix, and I regret that my attempt at “Googling” was unsuccessful to confirm the author.(Please let me know the correct author, if anyone finds out!)

I do recall reading a chapter in a book that related to the above-mentioned quote. This concept inspired me to further my work as a Psychotherapist and Educator, relative to teaching couples how to remain loving and connected when disagreements or conflict arises. I was inspired to develop a method called “The Language Of Solutions”, in which a 4-Step Method in the form of a dialogue guide teaches couples how to stay connected in a loving manner, even if they feel hurt, angry, dismissed, misunderstood, attacked, or the myriad of other emotions that can easily tear apart a loving bond.

When people feel hurt in a romantic relationship, there may be a number of reactions. Some people attack with angry words, and other people withdraw and sulk in isolating silence and detachment.

What role does compassion and insight play during a tense moment of conflict between loved ones? The degree of “reflex anger” can be reduced. If you learn about your partner’s “family of origin” issues, you may find yourself becoming more patient and less reactive. Abusive behavior is not to be tolerated. Couples can learn skills and strategies to deal with hurt and pain that is kind and loving. Anger can be expressed lovingly and compassionately, which can increase intimacy and closeness.

Action Strategies:

1) Talk to your significant other or loved one, and explore how conflict was handled in their family. Find out if they were allowed to speak about their thoughts or feelings, or if they were punished for communicating.

2) Discuss some guidelines for conflict resolution that each person could feel comfortable with, and remind your partner during those moments of conflict to use one of the methods.

3) Keep a log or diary of the trigger events that occur, and how you react. Self awareness is the first step toward a productive and successful plan of action.

 

 

The Language Of Love: Unexpected Strategies for Intimacy

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What is an Unexpected, Powerful Strategy for Increased Intimacy in Relationships?

The answer may seem like a very dull response to this tantalizing question. The answer? Learn to use more “Objective Language” rather than “Subjective Language”.  You may cringe, and ask, “What are you talking about?” OK…here goes! To give an example of “Subjective Language”, I will write out a hypothetical dialogue.

Jane Doe asks, “What is the weather like today?” If I, Ellen Anmuth respond, “Nice”, that response is considered to be subjective, because the word “Nice” does not paint a “word picture” of the actual weather. A nice day for one person could be a rainy day, and for another, it could be a sunny day.

What is an example of “Objective Language”? If Jane Doe asks “What is the weather like today”, and I, Ellen Anmuth respond, “The sky is bright blue, the trees are rustling gently with the breeze, and there is not a cloud in the sky”, this response paints a “word picture” that you can visualize.

How does this example relate to romantic love and communication that enhances intimacy? In the case of a married couple, if a wife says to her husband, “I wish you would show your love more”, her husband may have an idea what she wants. However, the wife’s communication was very “subjective” because she did not define what specific behavior her husband could do that would register in her mind, heart and soul, as representing “love”. For example, would she want him to bring her flowers, empty the garbage, massage her back, or pay the bills once a month, for example? The list of possibilities are endless.

How do we decide if a word is “Subjective” or “Objective”? This is challenging, as there is a continuum of possibility. When I  ran workshops on communication, I would ask my class, “Is the word ‘Mountain’ considered subjective or objective?” Most of the class would say it was an “Objective” word. I would ask the class to close their eyes, and envision a mountain. Then, when I asked them to open their eyes, the group was amazed to learn that some people visualized a mountain in Hawaii, while others visualized a snow covered mountain in Switzerland in the winter.

The conclusion of this very complex communication challenge is this: When you think you may be communicating clearly and specifically, think again, or ask your partner what they are picturing, thinking or believing about what you are saying. Then be prepared that you may need to clarify, and attempt again to communicate more specifically what you mean. It is usually advisable to ask your partner to paraphrase his or her understanding of the message, and then….be prepared to further clarify your message! Communication is just that complex, because language is based on symbolic representation, which is different for every person.

 

 

 

Relationships: Creating Deeper Connections (Is the time right?)

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Relationships are fluid….like an intricate and delicate dance, the relational system is ever-changing. Sometimes relationships become more distant and detached, and other times,  people in relationship become more deeply connected.

 How do we create deeper connections?

Perhaps the first question may be, “do you want to deepen the relationship you are in?” Depending upon the nature of the relationship, firmer boundaries may be advantageous.

What do I mean by “boundaries”? Boundaries can be understood as the separations between people. For example, in the workplace, some relationships are meant to be more distant, in that it may be unwise to share too much personal information, especially during  a crisis, such as a divorce.

In personal relationships, such as friendships, the dance of relationship seems to be in assessing the “climate” of intimacy vs. distance, in terms of how much personal information to disclose.

In relationships that are becoming romantic, the dance step still remains a fluid process. For example, how much vulnerability do you disclose, and at what stage in the relationship?

For most people, timing is important, and it may be advisable to disclose small bits of vulnerable information at first, to assess how such tender information if handled by the other person. In a healthy and loving relationship, past hurts and vulnerabilities, if handled appropriately, can be help build a foundation of trust and deepening love.

In romantic relationships that are longstanding, if a person begins to disclose vulnerable information outside the relationship, this could be a sign that intimacy is beginning to deteriorate, and the relationship may benefit from therapy by a licensed mental health professional.

TIPS:

1) Assess carefully when you are ready to disclose some vulnerability in a developing relationship.

2) Notice how you feel when you disclose this information. Does the other person seem to connect with you more deeply, or run away?

3) Check in with yourself. What expectations do you have of this potential friend or partner? What do you think is a healthy balance of opening up some vulnerability, but not overwhelming the other person with too much information for their comfort zone?

4) In attempting to create deeper connections, it is important to evaluate the readiness and ability of the other person to handle such disclosures.

Relationships: Creating Deeper Connections