Tag Archives: Closer Relationships

Ask Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist: Dealing With Feelings of Isolation

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“Ask Ellen Anmuth Psychotherapist” is a series in which people send questions via email to Ellen Anmuth, Licensed Psychotherapist, and each month, a few  emails are selected for this blog series. Today’s topic is “Dealing with Feelings of Isolation”.

It is a very interesting time in history. Why are people feeling lonely, when the technology seems to connect people through social media? For example, people may have “Facebook Friends” who they have never actually met. The definition of “friendship” has been altered recently, to include strangers, perhaps loosely connected by business or by friends of friends. It is not surprising that people tell me that they feel disconnected, when they live in an illusion of being surrounded by “friends”.

If someone has  Facebook friends, followers on Twitter, or connections on Linkedin or on Google Plus, they may be feeling an undercurrent of loneliness, despite the illusion or appearance of connections. Additionally,the written Internet language has been reduced to micro abbreviations, and text messages have replaced phone calls for many. To what extent are deep emotions communicated digitally? Is “LOL” the mainstay and epitome of emotional expression? I think that the “glue” of relationships is  shared activities and the exchange of stories and deep feelings, to name just a few elements.The Internet often makes that difficult.

On the positive side, the social media does provide the potential for people to meet in person or on the phone, and to develop business and/or personal relationships. However, more often than not, if a person has 20,000 twitter followers, there is clearly not a connection with many of them.

How can people in this age of digital connection, address the sense of isolation that emerges from the lack of personal contact?

Diane from Ohio writes: Dear Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist: I have recently moved from the San Francisco Bay area to move to a small town in Ohio to take care of elderly parents. I miss my good friends and the vibrant, intellectual atmosphere of a big city, and I am feeling isolated here. I find it difficult to make new friends, and develop intellectual companionship. Any ideas?

Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist: Diane, you are dealing with many losses: It is likely that you are grieving San Francisco, a vibrant city with much culture and your group of friends. Allow yourself to go through a grief process, acknowledging the loss. Perhaps a grief and bereavement group may be helpful. In addition,    do you have hobbies and interests that you could get involved in? There is a website called Meetup.com, where people can search  for groups in their city, and you may find like-minded people. Many public libraries have discussion groups that you can sign up for. If caring for your elderly parents is taking up most of your time, could you hire a nurse part-time, so that you could develop new relationships and connections? Moving to a new town involves many adaptive tasks, and staying positive and optimistic is the first step toward bringing more friends into your life.

 

 

The Language Of Love: Unexpected Strategies for Intimacy

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What is an Unexpected, Powerful Strategy for Increased Intimacy in Relationships?

The answer may seem like a very dull response to this tantalizing question. The answer? Learn to use more “Objective Language” rather than “Subjective Language”.  You may cringe, and ask, “What are you talking about?” OK…here goes! To give an example of “Subjective Language”, I will write out a hypothetical dialogue.

Jane Doe asks, “What is the weather like today?” If I, Ellen Anmuth respond, “Nice”, that response is considered to be subjective, because the word “Nice” does not paint a “word picture” of the actual weather. A nice day for one person could be a rainy day, and for another, it could be a sunny day.

What is an example of “Objective Language”? If Jane Doe asks “What is the weather like today”, and I, Ellen Anmuth respond, “The sky is bright blue, the trees are rustling gently with the breeze, and there is not a cloud in the sky”, this response paints a “word picture” that you can visualize.

How does this example relate to romantic love and communication that enhances intimacy? In the case of a married couple, if a wife says to her husband, “I wish you would show your love more”, her husband may have an idea what she wants. However, the wife’s communication was very “subjective” because she did not define what specific behavior her husband could do that would register in her mind, heart and soul, as representing “love”. For example, would she want him to bring her flowers, empty the garbage, massage her back, or pay the bills once a month, for example? The list of possibilities are endless.

How do we decide if a word is “Subjective” or “Objective”? This is challenging, as there is a continuum of possibility. When I  ran workshops on communication, I would ask my class, “Is the word ‘Mountain’ considered subjective or objective?” Most of the class would say it was an “Objective” word. I would ask the class to close their eyes, and envision a mountain. Then, when I asked them to open their eyes, the group was amazed to learn that some people visualized a mountain in Hawaii, while others visualized a snow covered mountain in Switzerland in the winter.

The conclusion of this very complex communication challenge is this: When you think you may be communicating clearly and specifically, think again, or ask your partner what they are picturing, thinking or believing about what you are saying. Then be prepared that you may need to clarify, and attempt again to communicate more specifically what you mean. It is usually advisable to ask your partner to paraphrase his or her understanding of the message, and then….be prepared to further clarify your message! Communication is just that complex, because language is based on symbolic representation, which is different for every person.