Tag Archives: Intimacy

The Language Of Love: Unexpected Strategies for Intimacy

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What is an Unexpected, Powerful Strategy for Increased Intimacy in Relationships?

The answer may seem like a very dull response to this tantalizing question. The answer? Learn to use more “Objective Language” rather than “Subjective Language”.  You may cringe, and ask, “What are you talking about?” OK…here goes! To give an example of “Subjective Language”, I will write out a hypothetical dialogue.

Jane Doe asks, “What is the weather like today?” If I, Ellen Anmuth respond, “Nice”, that response is considered to be subjective, because the word “Nice” does not paint a “word picture” of the actual weather. A nice day for one person could be a rainy day, and for another, it could be a sunny day.

What is an example of “Objective Language”? If Jane Doe asks “What is the weather like today”, and I, Ellen Anmuth respond, “The sky is bright blue, the trees are rustling gently with the breeze, and there is not a cloud in the sky”, this response paints a “word picture” that you can visualize.

How does this example relate to romantic love and communication that enhances intimacy? In the case of a married couple, if a wife says to her husband, “I wish you would show your love more”, her husband may have an idea what she wants. However, the wife’s communication was very “subjective” because she did not define what specific behavior her husband could do that would register in her mind, heart and soul, as representing “love”. For example, would she want him to bring her flowers, empty the garbage, massage her back, or pay the bills once a month, for example? The list of possibilities are endless.

How do we decide if a word is “Subjective” or “Objective”? This is challenging, as there is a continuum of possibility. When I  ran workshops on communication, I would ask my class, “Is the word ‘Mountain’ considered subjective or objective?” Most of the class would say it was an “Objective” word. I would ask the class to close their eyes, and envision a mountain. Then, when I asked them to open their eyes, the group was amazed to learn that some people visualized a mountain in Hawaii, while others visualized a snow covered mountain in Switzerland in the winter.

The conclusion of this very complex communication challenge is this: When you think you may be communicating clearly and specifically, think again, or ask your partner what they are picturing, thinking or believing about what you are saying. Then be prepared that you may need to clarify, and attempt again to communicate more specifically what you mean. It is usually advisable to ask your partner to paraphrase his or her understanding of the message, and then….be prepared to further clarify your message! Communication is just that complex, because language is based on symbolic representation, which is different for every person.

 

 

 

Relationships: Creating Deeper Connections (Is the time right?)

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Relationships are fluid….like an intricate and delicate dance, the relational system is ever-changing. Sometimes relationships become more distant and detached, and other times,  people in relationship become more deeply connected.

 How do we create deeper connections?

Perhaps the first question may be, “do you want to deepen the relationship you are in?” Depending upon the nature of the relationship, firmer boundaries may be advantageous.

What do I mean by “boundaries”? Boundaries can be understood as the separations between people. For example, in the workplace, some relationships are meant to be more distant, in that it may be unwise to share too much personal information, especially during  a crisis, such as a divorce.

In personal relationships, such as friendships, the dance of relationship seems to be in assessing the “climate” of intimacy vs. distance, in terms of how much personal information to disclose.

In relationships that are becoming romantic, the dance step still remains a fluid process. For example, how much vulnerability do you disclose, and at what stage in the relationship?

For most people, timing is important, and it may be advisable to disclose small bits of vulnerable information at first, to assess how such tender information if handled by the other person. In a healthy and loving relationship, past hurts and vulnerabilities, if handled appropriately, can be help build a foundation of trust and deepening love.

In romantic relationships that are longstanding, if a person begins to disclose vulnerable information outside the relationship, this could be a sign that intimacy is beginning to deteriorate, and the relationship may benefit from therapy by a licensed mental health professional.

TIPS:

1) Assess carefully when you are ready to disclose some vulnerability in a developing relationship.

2) Notice how you feel when you disclose this information. Does the other person seem to connect with you more deeply, or run away?

3) Check in with yourself. What expectations do you have of this potential friend or partner? What do you think is a healthy balance of opening up some vulnerability, but not overwhelming the other person with too much information for their comfort zone?

4) In attempting to create deeper connections, it is important to evaluate the readiness and ability of the other person to handle such disclosures.

Relationships: Creating Deeper Connections