Category Archives: Effective Communication

Ellen Anmuth Psychotherapist: Use “The Language Of Solutions” During Moments of Conflict

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Ellen Anmuth PsychotherapistEllen Anmuth asks: How can you turn the language of problems into “The Language Of Solutions”?

We have all been there — a moment of tension or conflict, where the uncomfortable energy is palpable. Yes, it is a feeling, an intuitive knowing, that there is an impasse, or perhaps anger is escalating.

In these moments of tension, do you verbally  freeze up, or do you go into constructive action because you have a “toolkit” of strategies to use?

Yes, in these moments of interpersonal stress, some people detach, others verbally attack, and some people simply identify and name the problem. While naming the problem may be a good first step, it is not the full answer.What is missing here? How about suggesting a solution, or a specific request for change in behavior that, if implemented, would solve the problem?

Here is a simple example where using “The Language Of Solutions” can quickly offer a remedy to the tension in the moment. Let’s say you play tennis with a friend, and the court is reserved from Noon-1PM. You get there at 11:55, and your partner consistently arrives at 10 minutes past the hour! To make matters worse, he never apologizes, and actually takes another 10 minutes stretching. Now, your 60 minute tennis court reservation is reduced to 40 minutes of actual play time.

One option is to tell your tennis buddy that he always arrives 10 minutes past Noon, and then does 10 minutes of stretching. However what verbal strategy is missing here? The missing aspect is to ask your partner for a specific change in his behavior, such as, “I notice that rather than arrive at noon, our scheduled time to play tennis, you arrive 10 minutes past the hour, and stretch for another 10 minutes. Are you able to come 20 minutes earlier, so that the tennis play can begin at noon?”

There are other strategies that could be implemented, such as clarifying assumptions, identifying  feelings about the situation, and checking out the other person’s perceptions. Communication is very complex, and there is much to learn.

This tennis situation actually happened to me, and I implemented these strategies, to discover that  my tennis partner preferred to paint, tinker with his cars, or do a number of other activities, and tennis was not his favorite thing to do. He never told me this directly…he just came later and later!

When I let him know that I preferred to play tennis with a partner who would come on time, and who would use the full 60 minutes of play, he decided that his heart was not in the game, and in a compassionate and kind manner,we both decided to cancel any future games. I then quickly found a new tennis buddy who shared my passion for the game.

Relationships prosper and are nurtured by honest communication, gentle confrontation,  and compassionate negotiation.

Violent Communication: When A Whisper Can Wound

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What  is Violent Communication?

We think of certain behaviors as being violent,  such as yelling and  name calling.  These are obvious examples. What about the more subtle forms of interpersonal hostility and aggression?

When can a  whisper be considered violent? Sarcasm can be whispered. Someone can roll their eyes, and sigh, conveying disgust and disdain, which is very hurtful to the recipient.

Non-verbal communication and tone can be aggressive when they convey contempt, as opposed to conveying healthy anger or feelings of hurt in a direct manner, that leads to problem solving strategies. Sarcasm, eye rolls, name calling and sighs tend to be “zingers” that only hurt.

It may be helpful to distinguish “Healthy Anger” from  “Unhealthy Anger” or “Toxic Anger”. In the case of healthy anger, a person can use phrases such as, ” I feel angry when______”, and the example is then described with a neutral behavioral context. There can be a systematic process of uncovering feelings, clearing up misunderstandings, stating requests and  negotiating a solution.

ACTION STRATEGIES:

1) Notice if you, or the person you are in a relationship with, tends to utilize yelling or  name calling  with loud volume, or if there is a tendency to use hurtful non-verbal communication, such as sighs and eye rolls, or the use of sarcasm.

2) Notice what you feel, if you are on the receiving end of such behavior.

3) Notice what you feel if you are the person doing these behaviors. If so, notice if you feel discouraged and hopeless with this strategy.

4) Consider some healthier ways to manage your emotions, and learn to communicate using compassionate and clear solution focused methods.

 

Emotions, Defense Mechanisms and Discernment: An Inquiry into the Complexity of Communication

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What are Defense Mechanisms, and what do they have to do with emotions, effective communication and healthy relationships?

Defense mechanisms are, by definition, unconscious processes. Yikes!! If they are unconscious, how do we deal with them?

Let’s start with the easy part.

We think of “Emotions” as being the feelings we have, such as anger, sadness, fear, joy, happiness, guilt, shame…the list is quite extensive.

The notion of “Defense Mechanisms” is a more difficult concept to grasp. When I was in graduate school studying to be a psychotherapist, we studied many theories. One school of thought was that there are unconscious processes called Defense Mechanisms that would automatically be clicked into gear when we were faced with a threatening or upsetting life event.

These DM’s (Defense Mechanisms) serve to protect us when we are under stress, but when over-used, they can be a problem. For example, if you hear about a friend or family member who has suddenly died, the first reaction may be a DM called “Denial”, and a person says, “No, it cannot be true”. At first, the denial gives a buffer of time for the trauma to be integrated.

If time goes by, and a person is still in denial about the death of a loved one, it becomes an unhealthy pattern of avoidance.

Some people consider “denial” to be a form of dissociation from one’s own feelings. For example, in a relationship, if someone feels threatened or upset, they may begin to go into denial, and not be aware of appropriate feelings of anger or hurt.

The tendency to detach when in a relationship conflict is understandable, in the context of the conceptual framework discussed in this article.

Tips to deal with the Defense Mechanism of Denial:

  1. Be open to the words and emotions of the person you are in a relationship with, even if it feels difficult.
  2. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling now”? Take a deep breath in, and ask yourself again, “What am I feeling now?”, and see if a different feeling comes into your awareness.
  3. Begin to keep a journal of trigger events, feelings and behavior, and you may be able to see a pattern. This can help to allow unconscious, automatic patterns to become more in the conscious realm of control.

Interpersonal Communication: Can You Play Tennis if You Walk Off the Court?

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Interpersonal Communication: Can You Play Tennis if You Walk Off the Court?

Interpersonal Communication……it seems simple, doesn’t it? Remember the game of “Telephone”? For those who may not be of a “certain age”, the game was played this way: As a child, we would sit on the floor in a circle of 10-15 children, and whisper a phrase into the ear of the child to our right. That child would then whisper the message they heard into the ear of the child to their right, and around the circle the message would go. By the time the last child heard the message, he or she would tell the group what the message was. Of course, the message was never the same! Often, it was a distorted, comical new version of the original, and all the kids would laugh, knowing that the outcome would be a hilarious distortion of the original message.

Fast forward to the world of adult communication, and the outcomes are anything but comical. The breakdowns in communication are often wrought with gut-wrenching misunderstandings, hurt feelings, anger, resentments and broken relationships.

When you feel misunderstood, angry or hurt in a communication or relationship interaction, what is your style of dealing with that event? Do you detach and say nothing, get angry and explode, or explore the issue in an appropriate, calm and effective manner?

Do you metaphorically stay on the tennis court, and volley back the ball, or do you put down the tennis racquet, and walk off the court?

If you feel bad about an interpersonal interaction, do you continue the “tennis game” feeling resentful, but never call this person again to play tennis, keeping all your feelings secret? Or, do you know a few simple tools and techniques that you can use immediately?

Knowing your emotional style of handling communication breakdown, and using simple and effective communication strategies are the keys to having successful relationships in your personal and business life, which correlates with increased happiness and abundance in all your endeavors.

Three Action Tips:

  1. Recall your “family of origin”, or the family you grew up in. If you were in a non-traditional family, think about the people who had a great deal of influence over your upbringing.
  2. Analyze if there were any obvious patterns of behavior regarding communication and conflict resolution. Did parental figures detach in silence, not letting another person know if they were upset, or what their needs were? Or, did you grow up in a family where people exploded in anger, leaving emotional wreckage in their path? Or, did people tend to communicate calmly and clearly, to a resolution point where all parties felt heard and understood?
  3. Keep a log or journal of moments of stress or conflict in relationships. Document your patterns and note if you tend to detach, attack, or implement effective communication and conflict resolution strategies. Make connections to your family of origin patterns.