Tag Archives: Feelings

5 Quick & Simple Happiness Habits for Busy People

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Have you ever been so busy that you forget to center yourself, relax, de-stress and reach for a moment of happiness? Why did I use the expression, “reach for a moment of happiness”?

I think that feelings of happiness are transitory, as are all feelings, such as sadness, anxiety or anger, for example. Why not increase the moments of happiness, and decrease the other stressful feelings? Here are some quick and simple happiness habits for busy people:

1) Every so often, when your focus of attention is outside yourself–on another person or on a project or activity– do a “check-in”. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” and “What am I thinking?”

2) Take in a deep breath in while you do step #1, and on the exhale, release as many stressful feelings and thoughts that you can. Repeat this a few times.

3) Take a “60 Second Vacation”. That means to allow stressful thoughts and feelings to be suspended for 60 seconds, while you allow your thoughts and feelings to drift to a pleasant memory or peaceful image.

4) Then ask yourself, “What can I do now to nurture myself in this moment?” Perhaps you need some water or something healthy to eat, such as fruit. Perhaps you skipped lunch, and need a healthy meal. Perhaps you are exhausted, and need to rest for a longer time. If you have evaluated a situation that bothers you, maybe you have realized that you have no control over the issue that is flooding through your mind. Or, you may decide that you do have some control over an issue. If so, write down some ideas about a plan of action to address the current issue that is draining you. We usually feel better when we identify a draining issue and set up an action plan.

5) Do a Gratitude Exercise. Take a few moments to list in your mind, or write down the things you are grateful for. This has been proven to reduce stress and increase a sense of peace and happiness.

 

Ellen Anmuth Psychotherapist: “The Language of Solutions” for Coping with Change

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What is “The Language Of Solutions”, and How Can It Be Used For Coping With Change?

“The Language of Solutions” is an educational wellness program, taught as a  private “Tele-Training” using a 40 page workbook and 6 hours of private telephone instruction. The core teaching is a unique 4-Step Method in the form of a flow chart. The 3rd step is a system within the 4-Step Method which teaches people how to manage emotions for many purposes: Communication and conflict resolution, improved relationships, weight loss, anger management, stress management, grief and bereavement and other wellness purposes.

This article will focus on how to use “The Language Of Solutions” for Coping with Change. When we are involved with change, there will likely be feelings of anxiety or sadness, even with change for the positive. By definition, CHANGE usually involves the loss of many things, and the addition of many things.

Even in a welcomed change, there may be a grieving process, because we are saying goodbye to the known. For example, if you live in New York, and are offered a desired new job in San Francisco, this type of change will likely bring up feelings of both happiness and sadness. You will probably be saying goodbye to friends and people you know in one city to begin a new life. Whatever the scenario, change brings up feelings, be it large and obvious, or small and symbolic.

Action Tips:

1) Notice what you are feeling.

2) Write in a journal, noting all feelings from happy and positive, to fearful and sad.  Become aware if there are any trigger events that occur to cause these feelings. A trigger event can be an external event or an internal event, such as a flashback or an “inner dialogue”.

3) Notice if you allow yourself to feel the feelings without criticism or judgement. Then, see if you can analyze the trigger events. Sometimes we have thought patterns and beliefs that may cause us to feel worse.

4) If you are self critical, allow yourself a new possibility to acknowledge that feelings are normal. We often feel more stressed when we try to change feelings. When we acknowledge and allow feelings, they tend to release.

5) If you are filled with sadness or anxiety that you cannot reduce on your own, contact a licensed psychotherapist to help during this transition.

6) In addition, “The Language Of Solutions” Self Improvement and Wellness Programs 4-Step Method Training Program can provide a self help strategy as a stand alone course, or in conjunction with the help of a licensed psychotherapist.

 

 

Emotions: When we “Feel” Them, we Can “Heal” Them

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What could be the first step in managing emotions?

There are many approaches to handling our feelings more effectively. What could be the first, most logical step? The answer may appear elementary, but it is as follows:  Notice what you are feeling in any given moment!

This seems simple, yet the popular culture seems to send a message that it is not OK to feel. When was the last time someone said, “How are you?”, and you said, “Fine”, when you may have been feeling anger, sadness, fear or some other emotion? The tendency to deny, repress or avoid emotions is widespread.

Anger, sadness, fear, guilt, shame, hopelessness, and the myriad of other feelings that we experience can overwhelm us, in my opinion, because we have not been taught how to effectively manage them.

When you feel emotions, do you reach for a drink, or open the refrigerator when not really hungry? If you are angry or irritable, do you find that you might interact with someone else with more impatience or hostility?

In 1985, I took a course on how to manage feelings. We were instructed to observe our feelings, and attempt to bring them up, rather than try to avoid them. One technique we were taught was to drive our cars without turning on the radio. (Back then, there were no cell phones or other devices to distract.)

That is not so easy! Try to drive your car in silence, and notice when you have an urge to turn on the radio. Does that happen after you have an unpleasant emotion or thought?

Managing emotions is a complex process, and yet, avoiding the tendency to deny them is the first step. Yes, the first step to healing feelings is to, in fact, FEEL THEM.

Action Tips:

1) Keep a log or journal or your emotions, and what usually happens before you have the feeling.

2) Notice what you do after you connect with the unpleasant feeling. Do you reach for food, alcohol, or drugs?

3) Have a conversation with friends and family, and if they are receptive, have a discussion about recommended methods to manage emotions in a healthy way.

Update–March 2014…..For those readers who first read this entry last year, have you kept a log of your emotions related to events in your life? An “event” could be an “internal event” or an “external event”. What do I mean by that? An external event is something that happens within your environment, such as a person speaking to you in a harsh manner, finding out about a death in the family, etc. On the other hand, an internal event is something that happens within you, such as a thought, feeling, memory, flashback, or some other experience within yourself. It may be helpful to begin to better discern when an “internal event” causes another “internal event”. For example, if you suddenly have a flashback of an unpleasant experience, you may find yourself having an internal dialogue that is self critical. Then you may feel sadness or guilt. How do you turn around this escalating spiral of negativity? Often, this happens unconsciously. Practice being more aware, by asking yourself, “What am I feeling now?”, or “What am I thinking now?” From this type of inner awareness, you may be able to manage your emotions more effectively.— Ellen Anmuth, MS, MSW, LCSW, Licensed Psychotherapist, Genetic Counselor, and Founder of “The Language Of Solutions” Self Improvement and Wellness Programs.

 

 

Over-Eating and Feelings: Weight Loss Strategies

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Do you find that you over-eat when you are upset? This is a very common problem. What does “upset” really mean?

It means having feelings such as anger, sadness, fear, guilt, shame, hopelessness, helplessness, and…the list is very big.

Do you ever notice yourself over-eating, and glazed over watching TV while eating a bag of chips or pretzels, not being aware of eating 8 portions?

How do we get control of automatic over-eating?

Action Strategies:

1) If you find yourself opening the pretzel cabinet, or standing in front of the refrigerator, ask yourself, “What am I feeling now?”, and “Am I biologically hungry, or simply yearning to change my mood?”

2) Close the cabinet or refrigerator door, go to your desk in  another room, and write down an issue that is making you sad, scared or angry. Then write down all the feelings about these issues.

3) Then, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and take a few minutes to either listen to soft music, or simply let your mind wander. It also helps to give yourself positive messages of support and compassion.

4) Re-alert gently, and ask yourself, “Am I still biologically hungry?” If the answer is yes, ask yourself what type of food would nourish your body. Then, go to the kitchen, and select the healthy foods best suited to soothing your body’s needs. At this time, after relaxing and identifying your feelings, you are most likely to eat slower and make healthier selections.

 

Emotions, Defense Mechanisms and Discernment: An Inquiry into the Complexity of Communication

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What are Defense Mechanisms, and what do they have to do with emotions, effective communication and healthy relationships?

Defense mechanisms are, by definition, unconscious processes. Yikes!! If they are unconscious, how do we deal with them?

Let’s start with the easy part.

We think of “Emotions” as being the feelings we have, such as anger, sadness, fear, joy, happiness, guilt, shame…the list is quite extensive.

The notion of “Defense Mechanisms” is a more difficult concept to grasp. When I was in graduate school studying to be a psychotherapist, we studied many theories. One school of thought was that there are unconscious processes called Defense Mechanisms that would automatically be clicked into gear when we were faced with a threatening or upsetting life event.

These DM’s (Defense Mechanisms) serve to protect us when we are under stress, but when over-used, they can be a problem. For example, if you hear about a friend or family member who has suddenly died, the first reaction may be a DM called “Denial”, and a person says, “No, it cannot be true”. At first, the denial gives a buffer of time for the trauma to be integrated.

If time goes by, and a person is still in denial about the death of a loved one, it becomes an unhealthy pattern of avoidance.

Some people consider “denial” to be a form of dissociation from one’s own feelings. For example, in a relationship, if someone feels threatened or upset, they may begin to go into denial, and not be aware of appropriate feelings of anger or hurt.

The tendency to detach when in a relationship conflict is understandable, in the context of the conceptual framework discussed in this article.

Tips to deal with the Defense Mechanism of Denial:

  1. Be open to the words and emotions of the person you are in a relationship with, even if it feels difficult.
  2. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling now”? Take a deep breath in, and ask yourself again, “What am I feeling now?”, and see if a different feeling comes into your awareness.
  3. Begin to keep a journal of trigger events, feelings and behavior, and you may be able to see a pattern. This can help to allow unconscious, automatic patterns to become more in the conscious realm of control.