Tag Archives: Interpersonal Communication

Ask Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist – ABC TV’s “Shark Tank” as a Metaphor for Faith and Control

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In What Way is the ABC TV show “Shark Tank” a Metaphor for Faith and Control in Business Marketing and Development?

This series, “Ask Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist”, is devoted to addressing emails from readers.

SANDRA FROM INDIANA WRITES: I work in the field of spiritual coaching, and I find myself watching “Shark Tank” from a perspective of spirituality. In other words, I feel that people who come to the show have a dream that they wish to manifest. They seem to have some degree of control, but when they get into the “Shark Tank”, they do not know how the panel of “Sharks” will respond to their idea. Can you comment on the issue of control and spirituality related to business development?

ELLEN ANMUTH, PSYCHOTHERAPIST: I appreciate this very insightful question, Sandra. I think that the TV show, “Shark Tank” has become very popular because it taps into some of the core issues for individuals with a dream of building and promoting their own product or business. What does it tap into?

Perhaps the core issue is “Control”. The notion of “control” is a fascinating one to ponder, on many levels…practical business, spiritual and psychological.

On the TV show, “Shark Tank”, we have seen some people present their ideas with great confidence, only to find out that they are unprepared to answer questions about the nuts and bolts of the finances related to their product. Others come in very prepared financially, and yet seem to present with an air of arrogance that offends the “Sharks”.  When people have business dreams, what causes some deals to click, and other deals to fail?

An aspect of success in business promotion may be that subjective element of “right place, right time”,  and an aspect of the blending of personalities of the business owner and the business investor. What other elements are operating on both conscious and unconscious levels between people negotiating a business deal? What aspects of verbal and non-verbal communication contribute to outcomes? 

To what extent to we have control over a business situation, despite the best intentions to plan and prepare? To what extent do we have control over any interpersonal interaction?

Some Aspects to consider:

1) Did you ever feel totally prepared and confident, and find out that a presentation did not go your way? Did the opposite ever occur, in that when you are hardly trying at all, things click and unexpectedly positive things happen?

2) Do you believe in a spiritual component to business?

3) Do you believe in fate, in that if one door closes, it is because something better is around the corner?  I appreciate any comments on the topic of spirituality, control and business outcomes.

“The Secret of Talking is Listening”: A Hollywood Line, or Good Advice?

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The Secret of Talking is Listening“The Secret of Talking is Listening”. This is a quote from the film with Matt Damon and Scarlett Johannson called “We Bought a Zoo”.

Flipping through TV channels today, I heard this line in the middle of this movie. I was intrigued with a film writer’s idea of effective communication.

Is this good advice?  Sure…listening is always important. However, this film line fails to encompass the broader complexities of effective communication, conflict resolution or healthy relationships.

The film writer, I suspect, is using semantic shorthand to correlate the notion of of “talking” with “communication”. However, listening is only one aspect of effective communication.

Other “secrets” of good communication are patience, managing emotions, clarifying misunderstandings, using solution focused, objective language, being aware of tone of voice and non-verbal behavior, such as eye rolls and sighs that convey disgust, and the use of techniques such as “paraphrase” and “reflection of feeling”, just to touch the surface of some strategies and  elements of healthy and effective interpersonal communication.

Yes, a Hollywood film writer seemed to have collapsed a highly complex series of interpersonal transactions into a sound bite, “The Secret of Talking is Listening”.  “Listening” is simply one essential and fundamental aspect of increasing the probability that an interpersonal communication event will leave both parties feeling satisfied.

Perhaps it is not a figure of speech for the film writer to write: The Secret of Talking is Listening”. Have effective communication skills and techniques been kept a “secret”?  Have school systems in elementary school and secondary school given our children enough classes in this subject of effective communication, conflict resolution, managing emotions, managing anger, and using solution-focused communication?

I believe it is time to stop keeping these skills and techniques a “secret”, and have public school systems, colleges and adult education courses teach the basics of interpersonal communication and conflict resolution, anger management, and staying connected even when communication conflict gives us the feeling that we want to either run away or attack.

ACTION STRATEGIES:

1) Notice how you respond when you feel misunderstood or hurt during a conversation. Do you tend to use attack language, or do you detach, not telling the other person why you are upset?

2) How do you listen? What are the elements of effective listening skills?

3) Do you know how to use techniques such as “Paraphrase” and “Reflection of Feeling” during interpersonal communication?

4) If you feel that effective communication skills and techniques have been kept “secret” from you, take steps to learn new skills and techniques to apply during a moment of interpersonal communication difficulty or breakdown. This could improve your personal relationships, professional relationships, your stress reduction plan and your overall health.

 

Violent Communication: When A Whisper Can Wound

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What  is Violent Communication?

We think of certain behaviors as being violent,  such as yelling and  name calling.  These are obvious examples. What about the more subtle forms of interpersonal hostility and aggression?

When can a  whisper be considered violent? Sarcasm can be whispered. Someone can roll their eyes, and sigh, conveying disgust and disdain, which is very hurtful to the recipient.

Non-verbal communication and tone can be aggressive when they convey contempt, as opposed to conveying healthy anger or feelings of hurt in a direct manner, that leads to problem solving strategies. Sarcasm, eye rolls, name calling and sighs tend to be “zingers” that only hurt.

It may be helpful to distinguish “Healthy Anger” from  “Unhealthy Anger” or “Toxic Anger”. In the case of healthy anger, a person can use phrases such as, ” I feel angry when______”, and the example is then described with a neutral behavioral context. There can be a systematic process of uncovering feelings, clearing up misunderstandings, stating requests and  negotiating a solution.

ACTION STRATEGIES:

1) Notice if you, or the person you are in a relationship with, tends to utilize yelling or  name calling  with loud volume, or if there is a tendency to use hurtful non-verbal communication, such as sighs and eye rolls, or the use of sarcasm.

2) Notice what you feel, if you are on the receiving end of such behavior.

3) Notice what you feel if you are the person doing these behaviors. If so, notice if you feel discouraged and hopeless with this strategy.

4) Consider some healthier ways to manage your emotions, and learn to communicate using compassionate and clear solution focused methods.

 

Emotions, Defense Mechanisms and Discernment: An Inquiry into the Complexity of Communication

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What are Defense Mechanisms, and what do they have to do with emotions, effective communication and healthy relationships?

Defense mechanisms are, by definition, unconscious processes. Yikes!! If they are unconscious, how do we deal with them?

Let’s start with the easy part.

We think of “Emotions” as being the feelings we have, such as anger, sadness, fear, joy, happiness, guilt, shame…the list is quite extensive.

The notion of “Defense Mechanisms” is a more difficult concept to grasp. When I was in graduate school studying to be a psychotherapist, we studied many theories. One school of thought was that there are unconscious processes called Defense Mechanisms that would automatically be clicked into gear when we were faced with a threatening or upsetting life event.

These DM’s (Defense Mechanisms) serve to protect us when we are under stress, but when over-used, they can be a problem. For example, if you hear about a friend or family member who has suddenly died, the first reaction may be a DM called “Denial”, and a person says, “No, it cannot be true”. At first, the denial gives a buffer of time for the trauma to be integrated.

If time goes by, and a person is still in denial about the death of a loved one, it becomes an unhealthy pattern of avoidance.

Some people consider “denial” to be a form of dissociation from one’s own feelings. For example, in a relationship, if someone feels threatened or upset, they may begin to go into denial, and not be aware of appropriate feelings of anger or hurt.

The tendency to detach when in a relationship conflict is understandable, in the context of the conceptual framework discussed in this article.

Tips to deal with the Defense Mechanism of Denial:

  1. Be open to the words and emotions of the person you are in a relationship with, even if it feels difficult.
  2. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling now”? Take a deep breath in, and ask yourself again, “What am I feeling now?”, and see if a different feeling comes into your awareness.
  3. Begin to keep a journal of trigger events, feelings and behavior, and you may be able to see a pattern. This can help to allow unconscious, automatic patterns to become more in the conscious realm of control.

Interpersonal Communication: Can You Play Tennis if You Walk Off the Court?

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Interpersonal Communication: Can You Play Tennis if You Walk Off the Court?

Interpersonal Communication……it seems simple, doesn’t it? Remember the game of “Telephone”? For those who may not be of a “certain age”, the game was played this way: As a child, we would sit on the floor in a circle of 10-15 children, and whisper a phrase into the ear of the child to our right. That child would then whisper the message they heard into the ear of the child to their right, and around the circle the message would go. By the time the last child heard the message, he or she would tell the group what the message was. Of course, the message was never the same! Often, it was a distorted, comical new version of the original, and all the kids would laugh, knowing that the outcome would be a hilarious distortion of the original message.

Fast forward to the world of adult communication, and the outcomes are anything but comical. The breakdowns in communication are often wrought with gut-wrenching misunderstandings, hurt feelings, anger, resentments and broken relationships.

When you feel misunderstood, angry or hurt in a communication or relationship interaction, what is your style of dealing with that event? Do you detach and say nothing, get angry and explode, or explore the issue in an appropriate, calm and effective manner?

Do you metaphorically stay on the tennis court, and volley back the ball, or do you put down the tennis racquet, and walk off the court?

If you feel bad about an interpersonal interaction, do you continue the “tennis game” feeling resentful, but never call this person again to play tennis, keeping all your feelings secret? Or, do you know a few simple tools and techniques that you can use immediately?

Knowing your emotional style of handling communication breakdown, and using simple and effective communication strategies are the keys to having successful relationships in your personal and business life, which correlates with increased happiness and abundance in all your endeavors.

Three Action Tips:

  1. Recall your “family of origin”, or the family you grew up in. If you were in a non-traditional family, think about the people who had a great deal of influence over your upbringing.
  2. Analyze if there were any obvious patterns of behavior regarding communication and conflict resolution. Did parental figures detach in silence, not letting another person know if they were upset, or what their needs were? Or, did you grow up in a family where people exploded in anger, leaving emotional wreckage in their path? Or, did people tend to communicate calmly and clearly, to a resolution point where all parties felt heard and understood?
  3. Keep a log or journal of moments of stress or conflict in relationships. Document your patterns and note if you tend to detach, attack, or implement effective communication and conflict resolution strategies. Make connections to your family of origin patterns.