What  is Violent Communication?

We think of certain behaviors as being violent,  such as yelling and  name calling.  These are obvious examples. What about the more subtle forms of interpersonal hostility and aggression?

When can a  whisper be considered violent? Sarcasm can be whispered. Someone can roll their eyes, and sigh, conveying disgust and disdain, which is very hurtful to the recipient.

Non-verbal communication and tone can be aggressive when they convey contempt, as opposed to conveying healthy anger or feelings of hurt in a direct manner, that leads to problem solving strategies. Sarcasm, eye rolls, name calling and sighs tend to be “zingers” that only hurt.

It may be helpful to distinguish “Healthy Anger” from  “Unhealthy Anger” or “Toxic Anger”. In the case of healthy anger, a person can use phrases such as, ” I feel angry when______”, and the example is then described with a neutral behavioral context. There can be a systematic process of uncovering feelings, clearing up misunderstandings, stating requests and  negotiating a solution.

ACTION STRATEGIES:

1) Notice if you, or the person you are in a relationship with, tends to utilize yelling or  name calling  with loud volume, or if there is a tendency to use hurtful non-verbal communication, such as sighs and eye rolls, or the use of sarcasm.

2) Notice what you feel, if you are on the receiving end of such behavior.

3) Notice what you feel if you are the person doing these behaviors. If so, notice if you feel discouraged and hopeless with this strategy.

4) Consider some healthier ways to manage your emotions, and learn to communicate using compassionate and clear solution focused methods.