Tag Archives: Couples Communication

Violent Communication: When A Whisper Can Wound

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What  is Violent Communication?

We think of certain behaviors as being violent,  such as yelling and  name calling.  These are obvious examples. What about the more subtle forms of interpersonal hostility and aggression?

When can a  whisper be considered violent? Sarcasm can be whispered. Someone can roll their eyes, and sigh, conveying disgust and disdain, which is very hurtful to the recipient.

Non-verbal communication and tone can be aggressive when they convey contempt, as opposed to conveying healthy anger or feelings of hurt in a direct manner, that leads to problem solving strategies. Sarcasm, eye rolls, name calling and sighs tend to be “zingers” that only hurt.

It may be helpful to distinguish “Healthy Anger” from  “Unhealthy Anger” or “Toxic Anger”. In the case of healthy anger, a person can use phrases such as, ” I feel angry when______”, and the example is then described with a neutral behavioral context. There can be a systematic process of uncovering feelings, clearing up misunderstandings, stating requests and  negotiating a solution.

ACTION STRATEGIES:

1) Notice if you, or the person you are in a relationship with, tends to utilize yelling or  name calling  with loud volume, or if there is a tendency to use hurtful non-verbal communication, such as sighs and eye rolls, or the use of sarcasm.

2) Notice what you feel, if you are on the receiving end of such behavior.

3) Notice what you feel if you are the person doing these behaviors. If so, notice if you feel discouraged and hopeless with this strategy.

4) Consider some healthier ways to manage your emotions, and learn to communicate using compassionate and clear solution focused methods.

 

Emotions, Defense Mechanisms and Discernment: An Inquiry into the Complexity of Communication

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What are Defense Mechanisms, and what do they have to do with emotions, effective communication and healthy relationships?

Defense mechanisms are, by definition, unconscious processes. Yikes!! If they are unconscious, how do we deal with them?

Let’s start with the easy part.

We think of “Emotions” as being the feelings we have, such as anger, sadness, fear, joy, happiness, guilt, shame…the list is quite extensive.

The notion of “Defense Mechanisms” is a more difficult concept to grasp. When I was in graduate school studying to be a psychotherapist, we studied many theories. One school of thought was that there are unconscious processes called Defense Mechanisms that would automatically be clicked into gear when we were faced with a threatening or upsetting life event.

These DM’s (Defense Mechanisms) serve to protect us when we are under stress, but when over-used, they can be a problem. For example, if you hear about a friend or family member who has suddenly died, the first reaction may be a DM called “Denial”, and a person says, “No, it cannot be true”. At first, the denial gives a buffer of time for the trauma to be integrated.

If time goes by, and a person is still in denial about the death of a loved one, it becomes an unhealthy pattern of avoidance.

Some people consider “denial” to be a form of dissociation from one’s own feelings. For example, in a relationship, if someone feels threatened or upset, they may begin to go into denial, and not be aware of appropriate feelings of anger or hurt.

The tendency to detach when in a relationship conflict is understandable, in the context of the conceptual framework discussed in this article.

Tips to deal with the Defense Mechanism of Denial:

  1. Be open to the words and emotions of the person you are in a relationship with, even if it feels difficult.
  2. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling now”? Take a deep breath in, and ask yourself again, “What am I feeling now?”, and see if a different feeling comes into your awareness.
  3. Begin to keep a journal of trigger events, feelings and behavior, and you may be able to see a pattern. This can help to allow unconscious, automatic patterns to become more in the conscious realm of control.