Category Archives: Ellen Anmuth Psychotherapist

HGTV’s “Property Brothers”–The Psychology of Dreams Fulfilled

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Recently, I began watching HGTV’s “The Property Brothers” upon the recommendation of a friend. As a Licensed Psychotherapist, I was fascinated by the theme of “dreams fulfilled” that threads through every episode.

There is always a happy ending. Usually, a couple sets out on a journey to find the house of their dreams, to find that they cannot afford it. Lo and behold, “The Property Brothers” are able to negotiate the sale of a fixer-upper, and then embark on a renovation. Often, the predictable drama that unfolds ranges from unexpected mold, to termites, to a threatened budget crunch issue or some other disaster.

Yes, always a happy ending, as “The Property Brothers” are able to overcome all odds, and give the couple the house of their dreams. On a psychological level, what is the reason that this show is so magnetic to viewers?

There are likely multiple reasons: The education that is provided about home renovation, design ideas, real estate negotiation, and learning about different parts of the world are just a few reasons.  However, I think that a major reason that the show is so successful is that the viewers always get to see happy endings every hour!  Like a Norah Ephron film, the couple walks into the metaphoric sunset, delighted with their new home and their romantic new life.  Like “Sleepless in Seattle” and “You’ve Got Mail”, viewers of “The Property Brothers” get to see couples with happy endings every episode!

I think that in this stressful world, people are craving stories of happy endings. News reports are mostly about bad news rather than “feel good” stories of philanthropy and kindness.

I wonder if  some day, there will be a show on how to deal with unscrupulous contractors, cheating handymen, home-makeover disasters, and the trauma of real life home remodeling. For now, however,  viewers can delight into the comforting world of “Happily Ever After”, and hope that their own home renovation projects go as smoothly.

JFK 50 Years Later: National Grief and the Anniversary Phenomenon

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What is an “Anniversary Phenomenon”, and how is November 22, 2013 and President John F. Kennedy a trigger for unresolved grief?

When I studied Genetic Counseling, the Grief Process, and Psychotherapy, I was fascinated with the effects–both conscious and unconscious- of the anniversary phenomenon.

On a conscious level, we often have emotional reactions to birthdays and special occasions related to people who died, or who are no longer in our lives.  Some examples of trigger events could be songs, the sound of a bird, an aroma of flowers, a familiar handshake, meeting someone with the same first name of a person who is no longer in your life, or a myriad of other events.

On an unconscious level, we might also be affected. For example, if you are turning 50, and  your parent died at that age, you may have anxiety or depression that seems to emerge “out of the blue”. On a deeper level, we may be affected by unresolved grief.

What are some tips regarding unresolved grief and anniversary phenomenon?

1) Acknowledge the reality of the loss, and the feelings.

2) Be aware of the self critical voice that may tell you to just “get over it”.

3) Set aside some time on a regular basis to either talk with a friend or a therapist about your unresolved feelings.

4) Some people find that writing in a journal helps to bring up issues and feelings that need to be healed and resolved.

5) Be aware of any unresolved guilt about what you wish you could have done differently.

6) Anger is a common reaction to loss, and many people tend to be self critical when anger comes up. Know that feelings of grief most often includes anger, which also needs to be resolved.

7) Resolving a loss can be a lifelong journey. Be open to the trigger events that cause feelings to rise to the surface, and take the time to address them. You will be a more peaceful person for the effort, time and energy.

 

Music Therapy: 3 Keys for Creating Calm in Stressful Times

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The term “Music Therapy” may bring up the image of a professionally trained  “Music Therapist” interacting with a child, adolescent or adult in a hospital, rehabilitation facility or office, in order to help them deal with stress. These applications are well known and very helpful.

I recall how impressed I became with the field of Music Therapy when I worked at Miami Children’s Hospital years ago. A Music Therapist was involved in a research study, in which two groups of children were given two different experiences during surgery. One group of children had surgery with head phones and music, and another group of children had surgery without head phones and no music. The results: The group of children who had music during the surgery asked for less pain medicine after surgery!

It was wonderful for the effects of music to be quantified in this way. I had also heard of a research project involving plants, although I cannot verify this study. I was told that one group of plants were exposed to classical music, another group of plants were exposed to New York City street noise, a third group of plants were exposed to rock music, and the last group of plants had complete silence. The results: The plants exposed to classical music grew the most and were the healthiest! I think the worst result were the plants exposed to New York City street noise.

The purpose of this article is to inspire readers to embrace a simple practice of listening to inspiring music….whatever it is for you…..in a conscious and therapeutic manner, in order to create feelings of calm in the midst of challenging moments.

For example, if you are going through a hard time (such as a health issue causing you fear), a relationship issue (such as a death or a divorce), financial problems or any life challenge, taking a “mini music vacation” can change your mood and improve your health, even for a brief period of time. For example, people who meditate can lower their blood pressure. Listening to music can be a meditation.

You can select music that creates a feeling of calm when stressed,  or happy and upbeat music if you feel down or depressed. It is always important to honor all emotions, rather than deny or repress them.

3 KEYS TO CREATING “A MUSIC THERAPY” STRATEGY:

1) Write out a list of songs that have special meaning to you, and which are associated with happy times.

2) Keep these musical selections handy so that you can listen “in the moment”.

3) If you are not in a situation where listening to music is possible, have a “play list” in your head. Imagine that your mind is a metaphoric radio, and you can “hit a button” and recall a song, including the lyrics and melody. If you are able to recall the tune and/or lyrics during times of stress, just play the song in your head! This is a technique similar to self hypnosis or guided imagery, In fact, as you sing the song to yourself, you could also imagine sights, sounds, aromas and feelings of a time in which you felt peaceful or happy.

While a few moments of “music therapy” cannot completely fix serious and complicated emotional problems, the music will provide a “mini-vacation” so that you will rest, re-group, and have more coping skills to handle life’s challenges.

If you are experiencing severe anxiety or depression, it is best to see a licensed mental health provider.

 

Ellen Anmuth Psychotherapist: “The Language of Solutions” for Coping with Change

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What is “The Language Of Solutions”, and How Can It Be Used For Coping With Change?

“The Language of Solutions” is an educational wellness program, taught as a  private “Tele-Training” using a 40 page workbook and 6 hours of private telephone instruction. The core teaching is a unique 4-Step Method in the form of a flow chart. The 3rd step is a system within the 4-Step Method which teaches people how to manage emotions for many purposes: Communication and conflict resolution, improved relationships, weight loss, anger management, stress management, grief and bereavement and other wellness purposes.

This article will focus on how to use “The Language Of Solutions” for Coping with Change. When we are involved with change, there will likely be feelings of anxiety or sadness, even with change for the positive. By definition, CHANGE usually involves the loss of many things, and the addition of many things.

Even in a welcomed change, there may be a grieving process, because we are saying goodbye to the known. For example, if you live in New York, and are offered a desired new job in San Francisco, this type of change will likely bring up feelings of both happiness and sadness. You will probably be saying goodbye to friends and people you know in one city to begin a new life. Whatever the scenario, change brings up feelings, be it large and obvious, or small and symbolic.

Action Tips:

1) Notice what you are feeling.

2) Write in a journal, noting all feelings from happy and positive, to fearful and sad.  Become aware if there are any trigger events that occur to cause these feelings. A trigger event can be an external event or an internal event, such as a flashback or an “inner dialogue”.

3) Notice if you allow yourself to feel the feelings without criticism or judgement. Then, see if you can analyze the trigger events. Sometimes we have thought patterns and beliefs that may cause us to feel worse.

4) If you are self critical, allow yourself a new possibility to acknowledge that feelings are normal. We often feel more stressed when we try to change feelings. When we acknowledge and allow feelings, they tend to release.

5) If you are filled with sadness or anxiety that you cannot reduce on your own, contact a licensed psychotherapist to help during this transition.

6) In addition, “The Language Of Solutions” Self Improvement and Wellness Programs 4-Step Method Training Program can provide a self help strategy as a stand alone course, or in conjunction with the help of a licensed psychotherapist.

 

 

Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist: Find A Child’s Joy in Adulthood

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 How can we, as adults, feel the joy of children more often?

Yesterday, I was in a few different stores, and I noticed children beaming at me and smiling. These kids were likely under 5 years old. One child was actually walking backward quickly, trying to keep up with the large stride of his mother, grinning ear to ear while “speed- walking backward”.

Another child, in a food store, seemed to have a sling on her arm. From a distance, I glanced and perceived that she had hurt herself. As I got closer to her (at Whole Foods Market, produce department), I smiled and asked, “How did you hurt yourself?” She beamed back with a big smile, and said, “I am not hurt, I am just pretending”.  Then I noticed that her “sling” around her arm was actually a plastic bag from the produce department that she fabricated as a pretend sling.

She skipped away with her siblings and mom, having played “doctor” in that moment, creatively taking a prop, using a plastic bag that could hold apples or bananas, turning it into a joyful game in the moment.

Yes…joy in the moment. Do you recall a time when a moment could be joyful, in the most mundane of circumstances?

Today I need to drive about 20 miles north. It is sunny and beautiful, and I live a mile from the ocean. Rather than drive quickly up the highway, I plan to bring lots of my favorite music CD’s, and take a slow and beautiful ride up “A1A”, the scenic drive by the water. Yes, that will bring me lots of joy in each moment. The drive will take twice as long, and bring me much more joy in the moment.

ACTION QUESTION: What can you do each day to minimize your world of adult worries, live in the moment, feel more peace and celebrate simple joys?

Self Hypnosis: Reduce Headaches Using Visualization

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How Can Self-Hypnosis Reduce Headaches?

As a Licensed Psychotherapist, I trained in clinical hypnosis. Hypnosis can be thought of as a “coned down” focus of attention, using the metaphor of an ice cream cone which tapers down to a smaller point from a larger area where the ice cream sits.

For example, if your mind is thinking about your job, your lunch, economics, your family and friends, that would be an example of large focus of attention. To “cone it down”, you might take a deep breath in, and visualize a scene that brings you a feeling of comfort and safety. For some people, it may be a beach scene, for others it may be a picture of an afternoon with their family at home or at a park. Whatever it is for you, visualize it, taking in as many senses as possible, such as the visual images, any sounds, smells, tastes or sensations of touch, such as the warm sun against your skin.

There are a number of types of headaches, and the technique I will describe here will not work for all headaches. As always, check with your doctor. Here is a simple technique: After you guide yourself (called “Self Hypnosis”) to a comforting visualization, as I describe above, then shift your focus of attention to your headache. Think of this as a sensation, rather than as pain.

At this point, the headache may already be reduced. To reduce it further, allow your mind to visualize the headache to the best of your ability. Some people see their headache like a black boulder, some see it as a tight strap, like a belt around their forehead, or any number of other colors or images.

Ask yourself what is the shape and color of the discomfort in your head. Allow whatever image you visualize to be acceptable. There is a theory that “what we resist, persists.” By visualizing, or feeling the headache without trying to change or control it, you may find that it shifts and changes on its own, eventually and in a short time, going away completely. Ask yourself periodically, “What does the discomfort look or feel like, now?” Allow a few moments to go by, and ask yourself that question again.

It is helpful if you rate your headache on a scale of 1-10 before you begin the exercise, and rate it again after you re-alert yourself from the visualization. When you re-alert, always alert gently and slowly.

I would appreciate any replies to this blog article, letting me know how it works for you. Again, please see your doctor for any severe or persistent headache.

Emotions: When we “Feel” Them, we Can “Heal” Them

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What could be the first step in managing emotions?

There are many approaches to handling our feelings more effectively. What could be the first, most logical step? The answer may appear elementary, but it is as follows:  Notice what you are feeling in any given moment!

This seems simple, yet the popular culture seems to send a message that it is not OK to feel. When was the last time someone said, “How are you?”, and you said, “Fine”, when you may have been feeling anger, sadness, fear or some other emotion? The tendency to deny, repress or avoid emotions is widespread.

Anger, sadness, fear, guilt, shame, hopelessness, and the myriad of other feelings that we experience can overwhelm us, in my opinion, because we have not been taught how to effectively manage them.

When you feel emotions, do you reach for a drink, or open the refrigerator when not really hungry? If you are angry or irritable, do you find that you might interact with someone else with more impatience or hostility?

In 1985, I took a course on how to manage feelings. We were instructed to observe our feelings, and attempt to bring them up, rather than try to avoid them. One technique we were taught was to drive our cars without turning on the radio. (Back then, there were no cell phones or other devices to distract.)

That is not so easy! Try to drive your car in silence, and notice when you have an urge to turn on the radio. Does that happen after you have an unpleasant emotion or thought?

Managing emotions is a complex process, and yet, avoiding the tendency to deny them is the first step. Yes, the first step to healing feelings is to, in fact, FEEL THEM.

Action Tips:

1) Keep a log or journal or your emotions, and what usually happens before you have the feeling.

2) Notice what you do after you connect with the unpleasant feeling. Do you reach for food, alcohol, or drugs?

3) Have a conversation with friends and family, and if they are receptive, have a discussion about recommended methods to manage emotions in a healthy way.

Update–March 2014…..For those readers who first read this entry last year, have you kept a log of your emotions related to events in your life? An “event” could be an “internal event” or an “external event”. What do I mean by that? An external event is something that happens within your environment, such as a person speaking to you in a harsh manner, finding out about a death in the family, etc. On the other hand, an internal event is something that happens within you, such as a thought, feeling, memory, flashback, or some other experience within yourself. It may be helpful to begin to better discern when an “internal event” causes another “internal event”. For example, if you suddenly have a flashback of an unpleasant experience, you may find yourself having an internal dialogue that is self critical. Then you may feel sadness or guilt. How do you turn around this escalating spiral of negativity? Often, this happens unconsciously. Practice being more aware, by asking yourself, “What am I feeling now?”, or “What am I thinking now?” From this type of inner awareness, you may be able to manage your emotions more effectively.— Ellen Anmuth, MS, MSW, LCSW, Licensed Psychotherapist, Genetic Counselor, and Founder of “The Language Of Solutions” Self Improvement and Wellness Programs.

 

 

“The Secret of Talking is Listening”: A Hollywood Line, or Good Advice?

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The Secret of Talking is Listening“The Secret of Talking is Listening”. This is a quote from the film with Matt Damon and Scarlett Johannson called “We Bought a Zoo”.

Flipping through TV channels today, I heard this line in the middle of this movie. I was intrigued with a film writer’s idea of effective communication.

Is this good advice?  Sure…listening is always important. However, this film line fails to encompass the broader complexities of effective communication, conflict resolution or healthy relationships.

The film writer, I suspect, is using semantic shorthand to correlate the notion of of “talking” with “communication”. However, listening is only one aspect of effective communication.

Other “secrets” of good communication are patience, managing emotions, clarifying misunderstandings, using solution focused, objective language, being aware of tone of voice and non-verbal behavior, such as eye rolls and sighs that convey disgust, and the use of techniques such as “paraphrase” and “reflection of feeling”, just to touch the surface of some strategies and  elements of healthy and effective interpersonal communication.

Yes, a Hollywood film writer seemed to have collapsed a highly complex series of interpersonal transactions into a sound bite, “The Secret of Talking is Listening”.  “Listening” is simply one essential and fundamental aspect of increasing the probability that an interpersonal communication event will leave both parties feeling satisfied.

Perhaps it is not a figure of speech for the film writer to write: The Secret of Talking is Listening”. Have effective communication skills and techniques been kept a “secret”?  Have school systems in elementary school and secondary school given our children enough classes in this subject of effective communication, conflict resolution, managing emotions, managing anger, and using solution-focused communication?

I believe it is time to stop keeping these skills and techniques a “secret”, and have public school systems, colleges and adult education courses teach the basics of interpersonal communication and conflict resolution, anger management, and staying connected even when communication conflict gives us the feeling that we want to either run away or attack.

ACTION STRATEGIES:

1) Notice how you respond when you feel misunderstood or hurt during a conversation. Do you tend to use attack language, or do you detach, not telling the other person why you are upset?

2) How do you listen? What are the elements of effective listening skills?

3) Do you know how to use techniques such as “Paraphrase” and “Reflection of Feeling” during interpersonal communication?

4) If you feel that effective communication skills and techniques have been kept “secret” from you, take steps to learn new skills and techniques to apply during a moment of interpersonal communication difficulty or breakdown. This could improve your personal relationships, professional relationships, your stress reduction plan and your overall health.