Feeling Upset? 3 Quick Tips for Getting Happier

This blog answers emails from readers. Today’s email comes from Jennifer in Kansas City.

Jenifer asks:Dear Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist: I find myself feeling upset lately. Do you have any advice? Thanks very much.

Ellen Anmuth, MS, MSW, LCSW, Psychotherapist replies:

Dear Jennifer: Your question is universal. “Getting Upset” is a common phenomenon. By “upset”, do you mean  that you feel angry, sad, or afraid? Do you experience behavioral changes, such as sleep disturbances, over-eating, not eating enough, yelling at other people, using drugs or alcohol? Here are 3 tips for dealing with “feeling upset”.

Tip #1: Look inward, and try to name your feelings. By “Upset”, do you mean that you feel sad, angry, afraid, or all  3? Sometimes, when people feel angry, it could be that they are feeling sad, and are not allowing those feelings to be acknowledged. Similarly, people can feel sad, when they are denying feelings of anger. There is an expression, “what we resist, persists”. One way to manage “upset feelings” is to isolate the feelings, and connect with them. By allowing our true feelings to be expressed, we gain some control over them.

Tip # 2: Notice what events may have occurred in your life in the past year. Did someone you love get ill, or die? Have you had a relationship breakup? Are you having financial problems? Is your health changing? Some of us try to cope with sadness or loss by minimizing these events. It is better to acknowledge the events, and work the feelings of loss through with a friend or a licensed psychotherapist.

Tip #3: Look back to your family of origin history and your childhood. In adulthood, seemingly benign events may trigger unresolved issues of childhood. For example, if you had a very controlling mother or father, a boss at work may trigger some unresolved feelings from years ago. Feelings of helplessness or powerlessness in the workplace could result in depression, anxiety or anger.

Hopefully, exploring these three areas will help turn the general concept of “feeling upset” into a situation in which you can more clearly define and describe the real issues that need to be addressed. This leads to a feeling of control and well-being when a breakthrough in understanding and coping can be achieved.

HGTV’s “Property Brothers”–The Psychology of Dreams Fulfilled

Recently, I began watching HGTV’s “The Property Brothers” upon the recommendation of a friend. As a Licensed Psychotherapist, I was fascinated by the theme of “dreams fulfilled” that threads through every episode.

There is always a happy ending. Usually, a couple sets out on a journey to find the house of their dreams, to find that they cannot afford it. Lo and behold, “The Property Brothers” are able to negotiate the sale of a fixer-upper, and then embark on a renovation. Often, the predictable drama that unfolds ranges from unexpected mold, to termites, to a threatened budget crunch issue or some other disaster.

Yes, always a happy ending, as “The Property Brothers” are able to overcome all odds, and give the couple the house of their dreams. On a psychological level, what is the reason that this show is so magnetic to viewers?

There are likely multiple reasons: The education that is provided about home renovation, design ideas, real estate negotiation, and learning about different parts of the world are just a few reasons.  However, I think that a major reason that the show is so successful is that the viewers always get to see happy endings every hour!  Like a Norah Ephron film, the couple walks into the metaphoric sunset, delighted with their new home and their romantic new life.  Like “Sleepless in Seattle” and “You’ve Got Mail”, viewers of “The Property Brothers” get to see couples with happy endings every episode!

I think that in this stressful world, people are craving stories of happy endings. News reports are mostly about bad news rather than “feel good” stories of philanthropy and kindness.

I wonder if  some day, there will be a show on how to deal with unscrupulous contractors, cheating handymen, home-makeover disasters, and the trauma of real life home remodeling. For now, however,  viewers can delight into the comforting world of “Happily Ever After”, and hope that their own home renovation projects go as smoothly.

JFK 50 Years Later: National Grief and the Anniversary Phenomenon

What is an “Anniversary Phenomenon”, and how is November 22, 2013 and President John F. Kennedy a trigger for unresolved grief?

When I studied Genetic Counseling, the Grief Process, and Psychotherapy, I was fascinated with the effects–both conscious and unconscious- of the anniversary phenomenon.

On a conscious level, we often have emotional reactions to birthdays and special occasions related to people who died, or who are no longer in our lives.  Some examples of trigger events could be songs, the sound of a bird, an aroma of flowers, a familiar handshake, meeting someone with the same first name of a person who is no longer in your life, or a myriad of other events.

On an unconscious level, we might also be affected. For example, if you are turning 50, and  your parent died at that age, you may have anxiety or depression that seems to emerge “out of the blue”. On a deeper level, we may be affected by unresolved grief.

What are some tips regarding unresolved grief and anniversary phenomenon?

1) Acknowledge the reality of the loss, and the feelings.

2) Be aware of the self critical voice that may tell you to just “get over it”.

3) Set aside some time on a regular basis to either talk with a friend or a therapist about your unresolved feelings.

4) Some people find that writing in a journal helps to bring up issues and feelings that need to be healed and resolved.

5) Be aware of any unresolved guilt about what you wish you could have done differently.

6) Anger is a common reaction to loss, and many people tend to be self critical when anger comes up. Know that feelings of grief most often includes anger, which also needs to be resolved.

7) Resolving a loss can be a lifelong journey. Be open to the trigger events that cause feelings to rise to the surface, and take the time to address them. You will be a more peaceful person for the effort, time and energy.

 

How to Hold it Together When You Are Coming Apart…Or, It Just Feels That Way

“Ask Ellen Anmuth Psychotherapist” is an ongoing feature of this blog, “TheLanguageOfSolutions.com/blog”. Readers’ questions  are answered when they have a broad appeal. Samantha is dealing with  universal issues of grief, loss, change and feeling overwhelmed, depressed and anxious.

Samantha from Texas writes: Dear Ellen Anmuth, MSW, Licensed Psychotherapist and Genetic Grief Counselor:

I have been dealing with many changes in my life. A new job has required me to relocate to another state, away from family and friends. In addition, I need to buy a house, pack and move. I feel overwhelmed with all the details. I am becoming depressed, and the more depressed I get, the more I feel scared that I am in a downward spiral. Please help me cope with all the things I am facing, as I am not holding it together very well. I cannot seem to concentrate as well as I used to.

Ellen Anmuth, MSW, Licensed Psychotherapist:  Dear Samantha: I am sorry to hear that you are feeling depressed, anxious and overwhelmed by the stress of a new job, new location, needing to buy a house, pack, move and handle all the paperwork and details of that relocation.

A home relocation is a giant task…a new job is also huge…buying a new home and moving out of state is monumental.  Feeling overwhelmed by the enormity of the tasks is normal.

One solution to getting control of the feelings of depression and anxiety may be revealed in a strategy called compartmentalization.  Here are some techniques that can help:

1) Become aware that there are emotional tasks, intellectual tasks, and physical tasks. Some people believe that there are also spiritual tasks. It may be helpful to begin to write in a journal. log book or diary, creating a section for each topic above.

2) Once you have made entries in your log book related to these different “task” areas, create another sub-section where you write down your emotions related to each area. The exercise of naming our emotions and writing our thoughts and feelings about them may create a sense of catharsis and control. In addition, this exercise may identify topics and areas of your life in which seeking support would be helpful. The support can be in the area of professional counseling, reaching our to friends, or other resources in your community.

3) Years ago, I was a Grant Writer. Faced with this gigantic task, I would make an outline, including goals, objectives and action steps to achieve each goal. For anyone facing a major life move, breaking down each big task into smaller “mini-tasks” can provide two things: (a) a road map of what to do first, second and third, and (b) emotional relief over some feelings of stress, in that the trail to follow has been mapped out.

4) Stay Flexible to Change Course: Anything can pop-up along the way that is unexpected. It is best to “expect the unexpected”, so that road blocks encountered can be experienced as expected steps, not as scary surprises.

5) Honor Feelings of Grief and Loss: Even when a relocation is expected and hoped for, such as a desired new job, feelings of sadness and loss will likely come along. Saying goodbye to friends and local family is very challenging. Finding a good therapist who understands the grief process can be helpful, (Remember that not all losses and grief processes involve an actual death, but rather, separations and change.)

Samantha, I hope these strategies help during your time of transition.

 

Hope and Despair: How Full is Your Cup?

Hope and Despair: Ellen AnmuthAre you a “Cup-Half-Empty” person, a “Cup-Half-Full” person, or some place in between?  There are many ways to think about the answer….yes, the question is very subjective and open to interpretation. I did that on purpose.

Where on the continuum of optimistic or pessimistic do you place yourself? If you think of yourself as a pessimist now, were you once an optimist? If so, was there a life event, or multiple life events, that changed your view?

As a Licensed Psychotherapist, I believe that the assessment is an important step in the psychotherapy process. A family history is always a part of the evaluation. I recall one client who was molested in childhood, and could not recall the exact age of the abuse. I asked her to bring in childhood photos. The answer came to her clearly, as we sat together in my office. Flipping through photos, she noticed the change in her smile around the age of 9 or 10. The demarcation point of her sad look was clear, signaling the likely age that the abuse began.

I wonder how this event affected her view of the world? She admitted feeling anxious and powerless related to the repeat sexual abuse by a family friend.

When she came to my office as a 30 year old woman, she appeared happy and upbeat on the surface, but there was a sadness below. We worked through her sexual abuse trauma, and she came through the experience of therapy with a more integrated self and a deeper sense of peace.

Some believe that our outlook in life is based on a combination of Genetics and Environment. What do you think? If you tend to feel more pessimistic about life in general, could it be that you had a trauma in childhood that you may not have healed?

Questions to Ask Yourself:

1) Do you remember a time in life when a trauma happened, and you buried it deeply, not dealing with it?

2) Were your parents optimists or pessimists, or somewhere in between?

3) Have you taken on the world view of your parents? In other words, if your parents were pessimists, do you find that you tend to give up before even trying, because you doubt you will be successful?

4) Do you find yourself listening to mostly sad stories or news reports, or do you open yourself up to hearing about happy and inspirational stories?

Asking yourself these questions can begin the journey into self awareness, and help you identify if your “Cup-Half-Empty” belief system is from unresolved trauma or from your family or origin. Some people suffer a genetic form of depression, and could benefit from therapy. With awareness, change is possible.

 

Emotions: When we “Feel” Them, we Can “Heal” Them

What could be the first step in managing emotions?

There are many approaches to handling our feelings more effectively. What could be the first, most logical step? The answer may appear elementary, but it is as follows:  Notice what you are feeling in any given moment!

This seems simple, yet the popular culture seems to send a message that it is not OK to feel. When was the last time someone said, “How are you?”, and you said, “Fine”, when you may have been feeling anger, sadness, fear or some other emotion? The tendency to deny, repress or avoid emotions is widespread.

Anger, sadness, fear, guilt, shame, hopelessness, and the myriad of other feelings that we experience can overwhelm us, in my opinion, because we have not been taught how to effectively manage them.

When you feel emotions, do you reach for a drink, or open the refrigerator when not really hungry? If you are angry or irritable, do you find that you might interact with someone else with more impatience or hostility?

In 1985, I took a course on how to manage feelings. We were instructed to observe our feelings, and attempt to bring them up, rather than try to avoid them. One technique we were taught was to drive our cars without turning on the radio. (Back then, there were no cell phones or other devices to distract.)

That is not so easy! Try to drive your car in silence, and notice when you have an urge to turn on the radio. Does that happen after you have an unpleasant emotion or thought?

Managing emotions is a complex process, and yet, avoiding the tendency to deny them is the first step. Yes, the first step to healing feelings is to, in fact, FEEL THEM.

Action Tips:

1) Keep a log or journal or your emotions, and what usually happens before you have the feeling.

2) Notice what you do after you connect with the unpleasant feeling. Do you reach for food, alcohol, or drugs?

3) Have a conversation with friends and family, and if they are receptive, have a discussion about recommended methods to manage emotions in a healthy way.

Update–March 2014…..For those readers who first read this entry last year, have you kept a log of your emotions related to events in your life? An “event” could be an “internal event” or an “external event”. What do I mean by that? An external event is something that happens within your environment, such as a person speaking to you in a harsh manner, finding out about a death in the family, etc. On the other hand, an internal event is something that happens within you, such as a thought, feeling, memory, flashback, or some other experience within yourself. It may be helpful to begin to better discern when an “internal event” causes another “internal event”. For example, if you suddenly have a flashback of an unpleasant experience, you may find yourself having an internal dialogue that is self critical. Then you may feel sadness or guilt. How do you turn around this escalating spiral of negativity? Often, this happens unconsciously. Practice being more aware, by asking yourself, “What am I feeling now?”, or “What am I thinking now?” From this type of inner awareness, you may be able to manage your emotions more effectively.— Ellen Anmuth, MS, MSW, LCSW, Licensed Psychotherapist, Genetic Counselor, and Founder of “The Language Of Solutions” Self Improvement and Wellness Programs.