JFK 50 Years Later: National Grief and the Anniversary Phenomenon

What is an “Anniversary Phenomenon”, and how is November 22, 2013 and President John F. Kennedy a trigger for unresolved grief?

When I studied Genetic Counseling, the Grief Process, and Psychotherapy, I was fascinated with the effects–both conscious and unconscious- of the anniversary phenomenon.

On a conscious level, we often have emotional reactions to birthdays and special occasions related to people who died, or who are no longer in our lives.  Some examples of trigger events could be songs, the sound of a bird, an aroma of flowers, a familiar handshake, meeting someone with the same first name of a person who is no longer in your life, or a myriad of other events.

On an unconscious level, we might also be affected. For example, if you are turning 50, and  your parent died at that age, you may have anxiety or depression that seems to emerge “out of the blue”. On a deeper level, we may be affected by unresolved grief.

What are some tips regarding unresolved grief and anniversary phenomenon?

1) Acknowledge the reality of the loss, and the feelings.

2) Be aware of the self critical voice that may tell you to just “get over it”.

3) Set aside some time on a regular basis to either talk with a friend or a therapist about your unresolved feelings.

4) Some people find that writing in a journal helps to bring up issues and feelings that need to be healed and resolved.

5) Be aware of any unresolved guilt about what you wish you could have done differently.

6) Anger is a common reaction to loss, and many people tend to be self critical when anger comes up. Know that feelings of grief most often includes anger, which also needs to be resolved.

7) Resolving a loss can be a lifelong journey. Be open to the trigger events that cause feelings to rise to the surface, and take the time to address them. You will be a more peaceful person for the effort, time and energy.

 

How to Hold it Together When You Are Coming Apart…Or, It Just Feels That Way

“Ask Ellen Anmuth Psychotherapist” is an ongoing feature of this blog, “TheLanguageOfSolutions.com/blog”. Readers’ questions  are answered when they have a broad appeal. Samantha is dealing with  universal issues of grief, loss, change and feeling overwhelmed, depressed and anxious.

Samantha from Texas writes: Dear Ellen Anmuth, MSW, Licensed Psychotherapist and Genetic Grief Counselor:

I have been dealing with many changes in my life. A new job has required me to relocate to another state, away from family and friends. In addition, I need to buy a house, pack and move. I feel overwhelmed with all the details. I am becoming depressed, and the more depressed I get, the more I feel scared that I am in a downward spiral. Please help me cope with all the things I am facing, as I am not holding it together very well. I cannot seem to concentrate as well as I used to.

Ellen Anmuth, MSW, Licensed Psychotherapist:  Dear Samantha: I am sorry to hear that you are feeling depressed, anxious and overwhelmed by the stress of a new job, new location, needing to buy a house, pack, move and handle all the paperwork and details of that relocation.

A home relocation is a giant task…a new job is also huge…buying a new home and moving out of state is monumental.  Feeling overwhelmed by the enormity of the tasks is normal.

One solution to getting control of the feelings of depression and anxiety may be revealed in a strategy called compartmentalization.  Here are some techniques that can help:

1) Become aware that there are emotional tasks, intellectual tasks, and physical tasks. Some people believe that there are also spiritual tasks. It may be helpful to begin to write in a journal. log book or diary, creating a section for each topic above.

2) Once you have made entries in your log book related to these different “task” areas, create another sub-section where you write down your emotions related to each area. The exercise of naming our emotions and writing our thoughts and feelings about them may create a sense of catharsis and control. In addition, this exercise may identify topics and areas of your life in which seeking support would be helpful. The support can be in the area of professional counseling, reaching our to friends, or other resources in your community.

3) Years ago, I was a Grant Writer. Faced with this gigantic task, I would make an outline, including goals, objectives and action steps to achieve each goal. For anyone facing a major life move, breaking down each big task into smaller “mini-tasks” can provide two things: (a) a road map of what to do first, second and third, and (b) emotional relief over some feelings of stress, in that the trail to follow has been mapped out.

4) Stay Flexible to Change Course: Anything can pop-up along the way that is unexpected. It is best to “expect the unexpected”, so that road blocks encountered can be experienced as expected steps, not as scary surprises.

5) Honor Feelings of Grief and Loss: Even when a relocation is expected and hoped for, such as a desired new job, feelings of sadness and loss will likely come along. Saying goodbye to friends and local family is very challenging. Finding a good therapist who understands the grief process can be helpful, (Remember that not all losses and grief processes involve an actual death, but rather, separations and change.)

Samantha, I hope these strategies help during your time of transition.

 

Ask Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist: PTSD and the Trayvon Martin Trial

This blog series was designed to answer questions from readers. In keeping with the current news, a young man named Sam writes in. His  brother was murdered in a violent crime with a handgun, and the news about the Trayvon Martin trial has triggered many feelings of distress.

Sam from Detroit writes: Dear Ellen Anmuth Psychotherapist: My older brother was killed about nine months ago in a violent crime  with a handgun. I am too upset to go into all the details about his murder, but all this news about the Trayvon Martin case has caused me alot of suffering again. I was getting to the point where I could block out some of the bad memories, but all this news about this case on TV has made me remember alot of things that I am trying to forget. I am jumpy, have trouble sleeping, feel angry most of the time, and cannot seem to stop the bad memories. I think they call them flashbacks. Can you help? Thanks, Ellen.

Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist writes: Dear Sam, I am so sorry to hear of this tragedy in your life. Yes, you are right when you call the bad memories “flashbacks”. Sometimes, when we have experienced a trauma, like the violent murder of someone we love, recurrent thoughts, feelings and visualizations may recur. There is a phenomenon called “Post Traumatic Stress Disorder” that you may be experiencing. Would you be open for seeking some professional help to  better cope with this loss? If you call the social services department of a local hospital, they may be able to refer you to some help… either free help, or with a sliding scale based on your ability to pay. With the proper counselor, you could be helped to work through this very complicated bereavement process. I will explain more below.

I use the word “complicated bereavement” because it contrasts with “uncomplicated bereavement”. All deaths involve emotions and thoughts for most of us. For example, if a very elderly person dies of natural causes, and you had a happy relationship, you will grieve, but will likely not be tormented. On the other hand, if a young person is murdered, the survivors are left with a “complicated bereavement” process, needing to work through a series of complicated thoughts and feelings. For this reason, finding a licensed counselor who specializes in complicated bereavement processes would be a helpful strategy.

 

Ellen Anmuth Commentary: The Tornado in Moore, Oklahoma

What can the notion of “Crisis” and “Loss” in this time of the devastating tornado of Moore, Oklahoma, teach us about gratitude and living in the moment?

The news today is filled with the sad story about the devastation of the tornado in Moore, Oklahoma. I lived in Miami in 1992, and I was in the direct path of Hurricane Andrew until, at the last moment, it veered south. After it hit, I visited friends in South Miami, and the streets were unidentifiable. It looked like a bomb was dropped. Some people theorized that Hurricane Andrew was not just a hurricane, but that there were tornadoes, as well, tearing up homes, cars, planes and trucks. Yes, airplanes were picked up and lifted to other locations. Even the National Hurricane Center went dark at one point, and lost its power.

My friends down there were in a “mental fog” for quite some time. A friend at the time was divorced woman with 3 sons under 8 years old, and she lived at other people’s homes for 8 weeks, until the water and power came back. She was one of the lucky ones that still had a home. Her 3 sons were quite affected by this.

I met a woman from Homestead, Florida at the Hurricane Relief Concert at a local stadium, where Gloria Estefan and other musicians donated their time to raise money. I asked her how her home was, and she told me it was no longer there, but she found her toilet hundreds of feet from her home’s foundation. Yes, toilets were lifted up and transported.

What happens to people in this crisis of devastation? Professionals call it Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. If they are dealing with friends or relatives who have been killed, there is a complex overlay of grieving on top of the “PTSD”.

What can moments like this teach us… those of us removed by watching it on TV? Perhaps this is a reminder to treasure the people in our lives, and to quote a wonderful author, Richard Carlson who passed away too soon, “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff”.

Ellen Anmuth Psychotherapist: “The Language of Solutions” for Coping with Change

What is “The Language Of Solutions”, and How Can It Be Used For Coping With Change?

“The Language of Solutions” is an educational wellness program, taught as a  private “Tele-Training” using a 40 page workbook and 6 hours of private telephone instruction. The core teaching is a unique 4-Step Method in the form of a flow chart. The 3rd step is a system within the 4-Step Method which teaches people how to manage emotions for many purposes: Communication and conflict resolution, improved relationships, weight loss, anger management, stress management, grief and bereavement and other wellness purposes.

This article will focus on how to use “The Language Of Solutions” for Coping with Change. When we are involved with change, there will likely be feelings of anxiety or sadness, even with change for the positive. By definition, CHANGE usually involves the loss of many things, and the addition of many things.

Even in a welcomed change, there may be a grieving process, because we are saying goodbye to the known. For example, if you live in New York, and are offered a desired new job in San Francisco, this type of change will likely bring up feelings of both happiness and sadness. You will probably be saying goodbye to friends and people you know in one city to begin a new life. Whatever the scenario, change brings up feelings, be it large and obvious, or small and symbolic.

Action Tips:

1) Notice what you are feeling.

2) Write in a journal, noting all feelings from happy and positive, to fearful and sad.  Become aware if there are any trigger events that occur to cause these feelings. A trigger event can be an external event or an internal event, such as a flashback or an “inner dialogue”.

3) Notice if you allow yourself to feel the feelings without criticism or judgement. Then, see if you can analyze the trigger events. Sometimes we have thought patterns and beliefs that may cause us to feel worse.

4) If you are self critical, allow yourself a new possibility to acknowledge that feelings are normal. We often feel more stressed when we try to change feelings. When we acknowledge and allow feelings, they tend to release.

5) If you are filled with sadness or anxiety that you cannot reduce on your own, contact a licensed psychotherapist to help during this transition.

6) In addition, “The Language Of Solutions” Self Improvement and Wellness Programs 4-Step Method Training Program can provide a self help strategy as a stand alone course, or in conjunction with the help of a licensed psychotherapist.

 

 

The Death of a Friend: A Journey with a Unique Footprint

the death of a friend Ellen AnmuthWhy is Coping With the Death of a Friend a Difficult Journey with a Unique Footprint?

I planned to write an article about coping with the death of a friend in a few weeks, but when I went on Facebook tonight, and  saw posts from Dr. Christiane Northrup, MD/Gynecologist, and Cheryl Richardson, Life Coach and author, I was inspired to write this now.  Debbie Ford, age 57, a close friend of Cheryl Richardson’s, just died of cancer. The outpouring of support for Cheryl on Facebook was very loving and supportive.

There are so many dynamics and elements of friendships, and I have theorized that the journey of grief after the death of a friend “unfolds”  in a unique way which parallels aspects, dynamics and elements of that friendship.

Unlike the bond of family members, spouses, or significant other romantic partnerships, a friendship is held together by a very special type of “glue”.

The friendship bond is 100% voluntary.Friends can walk away any time. When a friendship sustains, it is a powerful connection. A friend can be a mirror of parts of ourselves, and a living diary of our life experiences. In a healthy friendship, the support and love can provide a lifetime source of continuity. In an unhealthy, or turbulent relationship, the death of a friend can be very complicated, and filled with guilt or torment.

Yes, the death of a friend involves a complex journey of healing, with a very unique footprint. The adaptive tasks of dealing with the death of a friend can be overwhelming. Here are a few suggestions to help:

1) Cry. Allow yourself to release the grief. The friendship attachment can be very strong, and the dis-attachment can be so very painful.

2) If you are angry, acknowledge that emotion. Perhaps talking it out or writing in a journal can be of help.

3) Acknowledge any guilt or regret, and seek the help of a licensed mental health professional if you feel unable to work it through yourself.

4) As a Licensed Psychotherapist, and Grief and Bereavement Therapist, I noticed the absence of support groups in my area for the death of a friend.  I wrote an article a few weeks ago, directed toward Licensed Psychotherapists, asking them to organize support groups for the death of a friend. In my opinion, people grieving the death of a friend do not fit in with support groups for the death of a spouse, the death of a child, or for the death of a marriage. The adaptive tasks of grieving are very different. It feels to me as if society is denying the value and importance of the friendship bond, because there are little to no services to support grieving friends.  IF YOU CANNOT FIND A SUPPORT GROUP FOR THE DEATH OF A FRIEND, PERHAPS YOU CAN NOTIFY THE MENTAL HEALTH ASSOCIATIONS IN YOUR AREA, and get the professionals on board!

5) Please respond to this blog. Perhaps we can get a conversation started here about the complex challenges in dealing with the death of a friend, and offer helpful strategies.