Tag Archives: Complicated Bereavement

Ask Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist: PTSD and the Trayvon Martin Trial

Posted on by

This blog series was designed to answer questions from readers. In keeping with the current news, a young man named Sam writes in. His  brother was murdered in a violent crime with a handgun, and the news about the Trayvon Martin trial has triggered many feelings of distress.

Sam from Detroit writes: Dear Ellen Anmuth Psychotherapist: My older brother was killed about nine months ago in a violent crime  with a handgun. I am too upset to go into all the details about his murder, but all this news about the Trayvon Martin case has caused me alot of suffering again. I was getting to the point where I could block out some of the bad memories, but all this news about this case on TV has made me remember alot of things that I am trying to forget. I am jumpy, have trouble sleeping, feel angry most of the time, and cannot seem to stop the bad memories. I think they call them flashbacks. Can you help? Thanks, Ellen.

Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist writes: Dear Sam, I am so sorry to hear of this tragedy in your life. Yes, you are right when you call the bad memories “flashbacks”. Sometimes, when we have experienced a trauma, like the violent murder of someone we love, recurrent thoughts, feelings and visualizations may recur. There is a phenomenon called “Post Traumatic Stress Disorder” that you may be experiencing. Would you be open for seeking some professional help to  better cope with this loss? If you call the social services department of a local hospital, they may be able to refer you to some help… either free help, or with a sliding scale based on your ability to pay. With the proper counselor, you could be helped to work through this very complicated bereavement process. I will explain more below.

I use the word “complicated bereavement” because it contrasts with “uncomplicated bereavement”. All deaths involve emotions and thoughts for most of us. For example, if a very elderly person dies of natural causes, and you had a happy relationship, you will grieve, but will likely not be tormented. On the other hand, if a young person is murdered, the survivors are left with a “complicated bereavement” process, needing to work through a series of complicated thoughts and feelings. For this reason, finding a licensed counselor who specializes in complicated bereavement processes would be a helpful strategy.

 

The Death of a Friend: A Journey with a Unique Footprint

Posted on by

the death of a friend Ellen AnmuthWhy is Coping With the Death of a Friend a Difficult Journey with a Unique Footprint?

I planned to write an article about coping with the death of a friend in a few weeks, but when I went on Facebook tonight, and  saw posts from Dr. Christiane Northrup, MD/Gynecologist, and Cheryl Richardson, Life Coach and author, I was inspired to write this now.  Debbie Ford, age 57, a close friend of Cheryl Richardson’s, just died of cancer. The outpouring of support for Cheryl on Facebook was very loving and supportive.

There are so many dynamics and elements of friendships, and I have theorized that the journey of grief after the death of a friend “unfolds”  in a unique way which parallels aspects, dynamics and elements of that friendship.

Unlike the bond of family members, spouses, or significant other romantic partnerships, a friendship is held together by a very special type of “glue”.

The friendship bond is 100% voluntary.Friends can walk away any time. When a friendship sustains, it is a powerful connection. A friend can be a mirror of parts of ourselves, and a living diary of our life experiences. In a healthy friendship, the support and love can provide a lifetime source of continuity. In an unhealthy, or turbulent relationship, the death of a friend can be very complicated, and filled with guilt or torment.

Yes, the death of a friend involves a complex journey of healing, with a very unique footprint. The adaptive tasks of dealing with the death of a friend can be overwhelming. Here are a few suggestions to help:

1) Cry. Allow yourself to release the grief. The friendship attachment can be very strong, and the dis-attachment can be so very painful.

2) If you are angry, acknowledge that emotion. Perhaps talking it out or writing in a journal can be of help.

3) Acknowledge any guilt or regret, and seek the help of a licensed mental health professional if you feel unable to work it through yourself.

4) As a Licensed Psychotherapist, and Grief and Bereavement Therapist, I noticed the absence of support groups in my area for the death of a friend.  I wrote an article a few weeks ago, directed toward Licensed Psychotherapists, asking them to organize support groups for the death of a friend. In my opinion, people grieving the death of a friend do not fit in with support groups for the death of a spouse, the death of a child, or for the death of a marriage. The adaptive tasks of grieving are very different. It feels to me as if society is denying the value and importance of the friendship bond, because there are little to no services to support grieving friends.  IF YOU CANNOT FIND A SUPPORT GROUP FOR THE DEATH OF A FRIEND, PERHAPS YOU CAN NOTIFY THE MENTAL HEALTH ASSOCIATIONS IN YOUR AREA, and get the professionals on board!

5) Please respond to this blog. Perhaps we can get a conversation started here about the complex challenges in dealing with the death of a friend, and offer helpful strategies.

 

 

Coping with Death: What is Complicated Bereavement?

Posted on by

Coping with DeathWhat is a Complicated  Bereavement?

Back in 1975, when I was taking a Masters Degree program in Health Science and Genetic Counseling, we studied many theories of coping with the death of a loved one. The area of study is called “Grief and Bereavement”.

The field of “Genetic Counseling” was very new back then, with only a  handful of colleges and universities offering this professional training. The curriculum included learning to do crisis intervention after the dealth of a baby or child, the death of a teenager or adult,  or the birth of a child with genetic abnormalities. We also studied many theories of how people cope with  any type of loss.

One on the very interesiting theoretical models we learned was a paradigm with a continuum (think of an example of a  continuum as a thermometer in which a person can have a high fever of 106, be sub-normal at 97 degrees, or have any body temperature in between.)

There is a continuum of how people deal with the loss or death of a loved one, from “Complicated” to “Uncomplicated”, and all degrees in between.

What is an example of an “uncomplicated bereavement” process?

From personal experience, I can talk about my Grandfather, who lived to be two months short of his 100th birthday. I lived near him when he died, visited often, and  never had a conflict with him. When he finally died, I cried profusely, sobbing in the nursing home. You might ask, “How is this considered an uncomplicated bereavement, because you are sobbing?”

The answer: People still grieve and cry in an uncomplicated bereavement. I had no regrets or guilt feelings….I just knew I would miss this amazing man.

People move through this type of grief process without the “complicating issues” of guilt, anger, regrets or other painful emotions.

What is an example of a “complicated bereavement”?  A dramatic example might be a child that is killed by a drunk driver.  A more subtle example might be that someone died, and your last words with the person were  hostile, or you had an unresolved argument.

This continuum is not a black or white situation. Think of it more like shades of grey, in that aspects of complication might present in any loss situation.

Coping Strategies after a Death of Loss

1) After a death or loss, think of anything you regret, feel guillty about, feel angry about, or wish you did differently.

2) Begin to keep a journal of your feelings and thoughts.

3) If you feel “stuck”, as though you are not moving through the grief process, perhaps you can consider professional help.