Hope and Despair: How Full is Your Cup?

Hope and Despair: Ellen AnmuthAre you a “Cup-Half-Empty” person, a “Cup-Half-Full” person, or some place in between?  There are many ways to think about the answer….yes, the question is very subjective and open to interpretation. I did that on purpose.

Where on the continuum of optimistic or pessimistic do you place yourself? If you think of yourself as a pessimist now, were you once an optimist? If so, was there a life event, or multiple life events, that changed your view?

As a Licensed Psychotherapist, I believe that the assessment is an important step in the psychotherapy process. A family history is always a part of the evaluation. I recall one client who was molested in childhood, and could not recall the exact age of the abuse. I asked her to bring in childhood photos. The answer came to her clearly, as we sat together in my office. Flipping through photos, she noticed the change in her smile around the age of 9 or 10. The demarcation point of her sad look was clear, signaling the likely age that the abuse began.

I wonder how this event affected her view of the world? She admitted feeling anxious and powerless related to the repeat sexual abuse by a family friend.

When she came to my office as a 30 year old woman, she appeared happy and upbeat on the surface, but there was a sadness below. We worked through her sexual abuse trauma, and she came through the experience of therapy with a more integrated self and a deeper sense of peace.

Some believe that our outlook in life is based on a combination of Genetics and Environment. What do you think? If you tend to feel more pessimistic about life in general, could it be that you had a trauma in childhood that you may not have healed?

Questions to Ask Yourself:

1) Do you remember a time in life when a trauma happened, and you buried it deeply, not dealing with it?

2) Were your parents optimists or pessimists, or somewhere in between?

3) Have you taken on the world view of your parents? In other words, if your parents were pessimists, do you find that you tend to give up before even trying, because you doubt you will be successful?

4) Do you find yourself listening to mostly sad stories or news reports, or do you open yourself up to hearing about happy and inspirational stories?

Asking yourself these questions can begin the journey into self awareness, and help you identify if your “Cup-Half-Empty” belief system is from unresolved trauma or from your family or origin. Some people suffer a genetic form of depression, and could benefit from therapy. With awareness, change is possible.

 

The Death of a Friend: A Journey with a Unique Footprint

the death of a friend Ellen AnmuthWhy is Coping With the Death of a Friend a Difficult Journey with a Unique Footprint?

I planned to write an article about coping with the death of a friend in a few weeks, but when I went on Facebook tonight, and  saw posts from Dr. Christiane Northrup, MD/Gynecologist, and Cheryl Richardson, Life Coach and author, I was inspired to write this now.  Debbie Ford, age 57, a close friend of Cheryl Richardson’s, just died of cancer. The outpouring of support for Cheryl on Facebook was very loving and supportive.

There are so many dynamics and elements of friendships, and I have theorized that the journey of grief after the death of a friend “unfolds”  in a unique way which parallels aspects, dynamics and elements of that friendship.

Unlike the bond of family members, spouses, or significant other romantic partnerships, a friendship is held together by a very special type of “glue”.

The friendship bond is 100% voluntary.Friends can walk away any time. When a friendship sustains, it is a powerful connection. A friend can be a mirror of parts of ourselves, and a living diary of our life experiences. In a healthy friendship, the support and love can provide a lifetime source of continuity. In an unhealthy, or turbulent relationship, the death of a friend can be very complicated, and filled with guilt or torment.

Yes, the death of a friend involves a complex journey of healing, with a very unique footprint. The adaptive tasks of dealing with the death of a friend can be overwhelming. Here are a few suggestions to help:

1) Cry. Allow yourself to release the grief. The friendship attachment can be very strong, and the dis-attachment can be so very painful.

2) If you are angry, acknowledge that emotion. Perhaps talking it out or writing in a journal can be of help.

3) Acknowledge any guilt or regret, and seek the help of a licensed mental health professional if you feel unable to work it through yourself.

4) As a Licensed Psychotherapist, and Grief and Bereavement Therapist, I noticed the absence of support groups in my area for the death of a friend.  I wrote an article a few weeks ago, directed toward Licensed Psychotherapists, asking them to organize support groups for the death of a friend. In my opinion, people grieving the death of a friend do not fit in with support groups for the death of a spouse, the death of a child, or for the death of a marriage. The adaptive tasks of grieving are very different. It feels to me as if society is denying the value and importance of the friendship bond, because there are little to no services to support grieving friends.  IF YOU CANNOT FIND A SUPPORT GROUP FOR THE DEATH OF A FRIEND, PERHAPS YOU CAN NOTIFY THE MENTAL HEALTH ASSOCIATIONS IN YOUR AREA, and get the professionals on board!

5) Please respond to this blog. Perhaps we can get a conversation started here about the complex challenges in dealing with the death of a friend, and offer helpful strategies.

 

 

Emotions: When we “Feel” Them, we Can “Heal” Them

What could be the first step in managing emotions?

There are many approaches to handling our feelings more effectively. What could be the first, most logical step? The answer may appear elementary, but it is as follows:  Notice what you are feeling in any given moment!

This seems simple, yet the popular culture seems to send a message that it is not OK to feel. When was the last time someone said, “How are you?”, and you said, “Fine”, when you may have been feeling anger, sadness, fear or some other emotion? The tendency to deny, repress or avoid emotions is widespread.

Anger, sadness, fear, guilt, shame, hopelessness, and the myriad of other feelings that we experience can overwhelm us, in my opinion, because we have not been taught how to effectively manage them.

When you feel emotions, do you reach for a drink, or open the refrigerator when not really hungry? If you are angry or irritable, do you find that you might interact with someone else with more impatience or hostility?

In 1985, I took a course on how to manage feelings. We were instructed to observe our feelings, and attempt to bring them up, rather than try to avoid them. One technique we were taught was to drive our cars without turning on the radio. (Back then, there were no cell phones or other devices to distract.)

That is not so easy! Try to drive your car in silence, and notice when you have an urge to turn on the radio. Does that happen after you have an unpleasant emotion or thought?

Managing emotions is a complex process, and yet, avoiding the tendency to deny them is the first step. Yes, the first step to healing feelings is to, in fact, FEEL THEM.

Action Tips:

1) Keep a log or journal or your emotions, and what usually happens before you have the feeling.

2) Notice what you do after you connect with the unpleasant feeling. Do you reach for food, alcohol, or drugs?

3) Have a conversation with friends and family, and if they are receptive, have a discussion about recommended methods to manage emotions in a healthy way.

Update–March 2014…..For those readers who first read this entry last year, have you kept a log of your emotions related to events in your life? An “event” could be an “internal event” or an “external event”. What do I mean by that? An external event is something that happens within your environment, such as a person speaking to you in a harsh manner, finding out about a death in the family, etc. On the other hand, an internal event is something that happens within you, such as a thought, feeling, memory, flashback, or some other experience within yourself. It may be helpful to begin to better discern when an “internal event” causes another “internal event”. For example, if you suddenly have a flashback of an unpleasant experience, you may find yourself having an internal dialogue that is self critical. Then you may feel sadness or guilt. How do you turn around this escalating spiral of negativity? Often, this happens unconsciously. Practice being more aware, by asking yourself, “What am I feeling now?”, or “What am I thinking now?” From this type of inner awareness, you may be able to manage your emotions more effectively.— Ellen Anmuth, MS, MSW, LCSW, Licensed Psychotherapist, Genetic Counselor, and Founder of “The Language Of Solutions” Self Improvement and Wellness Programs.