Tag Archives: Grief and Bereavement

JFK 50 Years Later: National Grief and the Anniversary Phenomenon

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What is an “Anniversary Phenomenon”, and how is November 22, 2013 and President John F. Kennedy a trigger for unresolved grief?

When I studied Genetic Counseling, the Grief Process, and Psychotherapy, I was fascinated with the effects–both conscious and unconscious- of the anniversary phenomenon.

On a conscious level, we often have emotional reactions to birthdays and special occasions related to people who died, or who are no longer in our lives.  Some examples of trigger events could be songs, the sound of a bird, an aroma of flowers, a familiar handshake, meeting someone with the same first name of a person who is no longer in your life, or a myriad of other events.

On an unconscious level, we might also be affected. For example, if you are turning 50, and  your parent died at that age, you may have anxiety or depression that seems to emerge “out of the blue”. On a deeper level, we may be affected by unresolved grief.

What are some tips regarding unresolved grief and anniversary phenomenon?

1) Acknowledge the reality of the loss, and the feelings.

2) Be aware of the self critical voice that may tell you to just “get over it”.

3) Set aside some time on a regular basis to either talk with a friend or a therapist about your unresolved feelings.

4) Some people find that writing in a journal helps to bring up issues and feelings that need to be healed and resolved.

5) Be aware of any unresolved guilt about what you wish you could have done differently.

6) Anger is a common reaction to loss, and many people tend to be self critical when anger comes up. Know that feelings of grief most often includes anger, which also needs to be resolved.

7) Resolving a loss can be a lifelong journey. Be open to the trigger events that cause feelings to rise to the surface, and take the time to address them. You will be a more peaceful person for the effort, time and energy.

 

Ellen Anmuth Film Review – A Spiritual Perspective on Grief and Death in “Heart and Souls”

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According to Wikipedia,  “Heart and Souls is a 1993 fantasy/ comedy film about four deceased people who are trapped on earth and can only be seen by a single living human being who is recruited to help them take care of unfinished business.”

“Heart and Souls” has a very strong cast of talented actors such as Robert Downey, Jr., Charles Grodin, Alfre Woodard, Kyra Sedgwick, Elisabeth Shue, Tom Sizemore and David Paymer. With the added plus of a catchy musical score, this film  transports the viewer through many emotions from uplifting optimism to tearful sentimentality, without being over the top.

There has been documented research on “near death experiences”, where people who have been pronounced clinically dead have “come back” to describe conversations that took place in rooms other than the operating room where they were, with the theory that they left their bodies while in surgery, and visited other rooms in the hospital.

Survivors of this “near death experience” tend to have similar stories of being told that it was “not their time” and they returned to their bodies (see the research of Dr. Raymond Moody).

This film very sweetly tells the story of 4 people who died in a bus crash, and had unfinished business on earth, which they completed with the help of the Robert Downey, Jr. character named Thomas.

Why did this film grab my attention? As a Licensed Psychotherapist specializing in Grief and Bereavement Counseling, I watched it last week again, and experienced it from a different perspective. For many grieving people, the possibility that their loved one is still  nearby in spirit can create comfort. Some grieving people actually report evidence that their deceased loved ones are communicating with them.

On a more concrete level, if the movie viewer has no belief in the afterlife and the continuation of the soul, this film can deliver an inspirational message about the power of love. 

I recommend this film, both as “feel-good escapism” or as deeper spiritual inspiration and comfort for people who are grieving the death of a loved one.

Ellen Anmuth Film Review

Coping with Death: What is Complicated Bereavement?

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Coping with DeathWhat is a Complicated  Bereavement?

Back in 1975, when I was taking a Masters Degree program in Health Science and Genetic Counseling, we studied many theories of coping with the death of a loved one. The area of study is called “Grief and Bereavement”.

The field of “Genetic Counseling” was very new back then, with only a  handful of colleges and universities offering this professional training. The curriculum included learning to do crisis intervention after the dealth of a baby or child, the death of a teenager or adult,  or the birth of a child with genetic abnormalities. We also studied many theories of how people cope with  any type of loss.

One on the very interesiting theoretical models we learned was a paradigm with a continuum (think of an example of a  continuum as a thermometer in which a person can have a high fever of 106, be sub-normal at 97 degrees, or have any body temperature in between.)

There is a continuum of how people deal with the loss or death of a loved one, from “Complicated” to “Uncomplicated”, and all degrees in between.

What is an example of an “uncomplicated bereavement” process?

From personal experience, I can talk about my Grandfather, who lived to be two months short of his 100th birthday. I lived near him when he died, visited often, and  never had a conflict with him. When he finally died, I cried profusely, sobbing in the nursing home. You might ask, “How is this considered an uncomplicated bereavement, because you are sobbing?”

The answer: People still grieve and cry in an uncomplicated bereavement. I had no regrets or guilt feelings….I just knew I would miss this amazing man.

People move through this type of grief process without the “complicating issues” of guilt, anger, regrets or other painful emotions.

What is an example of a “complicated bereavement”?  A dramatic example might be a child that is killed by a drunk driver.  A more subtle example might be that someone died, and your last words with the person were  hostile, or you had an unresolved argument.

This continuum is not a black or white situation. Think of it more like shades of grey, in that aspects of complication might present in any loss situation.

Coping Strategies after a Death of Loss

1) After a death or loss, think of anything you regret, feel guillty about, feel angry about, or wish you did differently.

2) Begin to keep a journal of your feelings and thoughts.

3) If you feel “stuck”, as though you are not moving through the grief process, perhaps you can consider professional help.