Tag Archives: Conflict Resolution

Depression on Easter Sunday

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“Ask Ellen Anmuth Psychotherapist” is a series dedicated to readers’ questions on topics such as depression, anxiety, anger, relationships, communication, conflict resolution, grief/ loss/bereavement, genetic counseling, medical problems, and stress management.  Today’s blog is focused on depression associated with holidays.

Amy from Maine writes: “Dear Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist: Today is Easter Sunday, and I am feeling very depressed. I moved to Maine last October from San Diego. My family and life-long friends live in Southern California. This is the first Easter in a new place. I have been feeling depressed all week, and today was a very hard day. Please help.”

Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist writes: Dear Amy: Relocation to a new place can be a very difficult adjustment. When I read that you moved from Southern California in October of last year to Maine, that means that you experienced a very cold and challenging winter season. In addition, the sun sets earlier in Maine than Southern California. People who change their locations may have a condition called Seasonal Affective Disorder, related to reduced sunlight exposure.

Depression can be triggered by other factors, as well, such as a holiday spent away from family and friends. Was this your first Easter Sunday spent without these familiar faces?  Was Easter Sunday usually a day of spiritual and emotional comfort?

Finally, relocating your home involves loss and adjustment. Some people focus only on the positive aspects of a move, and try to keep up a happy face, in spite of feelings of sadness and loss. Attempting to deny the feelings of loss can create more feelings of depression. There is an expression, ‘what we resist, persists’. By talking about feelings of loss, we become more empowered to cope with the challenges. Speaking with a Licensed Mental Health professional can also be of help. Easter Sunday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, and anniversaries of deaths can all trigger depression. Creating a support group of friends during holiday times can help to avert severe depression. It took much courage for you to relocate across the country. Sometimes it takes equal courage to reach out for help and support during the difficult times. It is wonderful that you were able to write this email. If you continue to seek local support within your community, you will find the transition to Maine easier to adapt to.

 

Watch the Charlie Rose Show’s Tribute to Roger Ebert

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Roger Ebert ‘s life was discussed on the Charlie Rose show on April 8, 2013, by a panel who were articulate, eloquent and inspiring.

I grew up watching the Siskel and Ebert film reviews on TV and enjoyed their intellectually stimulating discussions about films. In retrospect, I think that they modeled for me a level of sophisticated conversation where two very bright people could disagree and argue with respect and kindness.

That  level of intellectual conversation was a training ground for me, of sorts. As a therapist, I learned to teach communication skills and conflict resolution skills, noting the difference between “content” and “process”. Yes, the “content” of the discourse between Siskel and Ebert was lively, smart and intellectually stimulating. The “process” of their interaction was a role model where each person maintained their passionate beliefs about a film, and yet, always in a manner that acknowledged the other person’s validity and right to their point of view.

I learned that two people can have very divergent opinions, and both can be right. When it comes to a film review, many points of view have validity. These two men modeled how to have a healthy relationship….a good role model of conflict management for marriages, friendships and the business world.

When I watched the Charlie Rose tribute to Rober Ebert, other aspects were discussed, such as his generosity to write letters to his viewers, responding to their questions. He had a strong Twitter following after he lost his voice to the ravages of cancer and had written numerous letters to TV viewers, who shared these letters on Twitter. The Charlie Rose Show paid tribute to his generosity and kindness, as he took time out of his busy week to personally answer letters. The impact on his viewers was profound to them, personally and professionally.

When he lost his voice to cancer, he began to use Twitter to continue to critique films, and expanded his analysis to life and his illness. He was such an entertaining writer, that his Twitter followers looked forward to his comments about life.

What an amazing legacy of intellect, kindness and exceptional work ethic. I will certainly miss him, and recommend that The Charlie Rose Show’s tribute to Roger Ebert is a must see.

 

3 Strategies For Creating Deeper Relationships By Identifying Conflict Styles

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What are 3 Strategies for Creating Deeper Relationships?

1) Know your conflict style. During moments of conflict, do you tend to attack or detach? If you are in an intimate relationship, what is the conflict style of your partner? If both people tend to avoid conflict, the silent treatment may go on for a while, where issues become ignored and tend to fester.  If you both are hot reactors, there may be yelling and screaming, difficulty in impulse control, and much toxic rage without purposeful conflict resolution. If one person tends to detach, and the other tends to attack, the dynamic may be complex, with an appearance of passive aggressive behavior in response to angry attacks. With these extremes of conflict styles, the outcomes may range from challenging  to perhaps, dismal.

2) Once you evaluate your conflict style, determine who in your life you have difficulty relating to. Does that person have a similar conflict style, or a different style of handling conflict? Begin an inner journey of self discovery, identifying your thoughts and feelings during moments of conflict.

3) Develop a strategy to manage conflict. If you are a hot reactor, find some anger management techniques, and learn to communicate more softly and clearly, handling one small aspect of the conflict at a time. If you tend to avoid conflict, begin with small steps to develop courage to speak your needs. Explore the possibility that you may have “inherited”some family of origin messages about open and honest communication, and the prohibition of such communication. 

Whatever your conflict style, you can grow, stretch and learn new strategies to make relationships deeper, more meaningful, fulfilling and longer lasting.

Ellen Anmuth Psychotherapist: Use “The Language Of Solutions” During Moments of Conflict

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Ellen Anmuth PsychotherapistEllen Anmuth asks: How can you turn the language of problems into “The Language Of Solutions”?

We have all been there — a moment of tension or conflict, where the uncomfortable energy is palpable. Yes, it is a feeling, an intuitive knowing, that there is an impasse, or perhaps anger is escalating.

In these moments of tension, do you verbally  freeze up, or do you go into constructive action because you have a “toolkit” of strategies to use?

Yes, in these moments of interpersonal stress, some people detach, others verbally attack, and some people simply identify and name the problem. While naming the problem may be a good first step, it is not the full answer.What is missing here? How about suggesting a solution, or a specific request for change in behavior that, if implemented, would solve the problem?

Here is a simple example where using “The Language Of Solutions” can quickly offer a remedy to the tension in the moment. Let’s say you play tennis with a friend, and the court is reserved from Noon-1PM. You get there at 11:55, and your partner consistently arrives at 10 minutes past the hour! To make matters worse, he never apologizes, and actually takes another 10 minutes stretching. Now, your 60 minute tennis court reservation is reduced to 40 minutes of actual play time.

One option is to tell your tennis buddy that he always arrives 10 minutes past Noon, and then does 10 minutes of stretching. However what verbal strategy is missing here? The missing aspect is to ask your partner for a specific change in his behavior, such as, “I notice that rather than arrive at noon, our scheduled time to play tennis, you arrive 10 minutes past the hour, and stretch for another 10 minutes. Are you able to come 20 minutes earlier, so that the tennis play can begin at noon?”

There are other strategies that could be implemented, such as clarifying assumptions, identifying  feelings about the situation, and checking out the other person’s perceptions. Communication is very complex, and there is much to learn.

This tennis situation actually happened to me, and I implemented these strategies, to discover that  my tennis partner preferred to paint, tinker with his cars, or do a number of other activities, and tennis was not his favorite thing to do. He never told me this directly…he just came later and later!

When I let him know that I preferred to play tennis with a partner who would come on time, and who would use the full 60 minutes of play, he decided that his heart was not in the game, and in a compassionate and kind manner,we both decided to cancel any future games. I then quickly found a new tennis buddy who shared my passion for the game.

Relationships prosper and are nurtured by honest communication, gentle confrontation,  and compassionate negotiation.

Ellen Anmuth Psychotherapist: An Analysis of Compassion, Conflict, Insight and Relationships

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Compassion, Conflict and Insight…How do these 3 concepts relate to  Relationships, Happiness, Love, Romance, Communication and Anger Management?

Today is Valentines Day….a day that is correlated with with Romantic Love. Have you ever heard the quote, “The work of real love begins after the romantic fantasy ends”? The author may have been M.Scott Peck or Harville Hendrix, and I regret that my attempt at “Googling” was unsuccessful to confirm the author.(Please let me know the correct author, if anyone finds out!)

I do recall reading a chapter in a book that related to the above-mentioned quote. This concept inspired me to further my work as a Psychotherapist and Educator, relative to teaching couples how to remain loving and connected when disagreements or conflict arises. I was inspired to develop a method called “The Language Of Solutions”, in which a 4-Step Method in the form of a dialogue guide teaches couples how to stay connected in a loving manner, even if they feel hurt, angry, dismissed, misunderstood, attacked, or the myriad of other emotions that can easily tear apart a loving bond.

When people feel hurt in a romantic relationship, there may be a number of reactions. Some people attack with angry words, and other people withdraw and sulk in isolating silence and detachment.

What role does compassion and insight play during a tense moment of conflict between loved ones? The degree of “reflex anger” can be reduced. If you learn about your partner’s “family of origin” issues, you may find yourself becoming more patient and less reactive. Abusive behavior is not to be tolerated. Couples can learn skills and strategies to deal with hurt and pain that is kind and loving. Anger can be expressed lovingly and compassionately, which can increase intimacy and closeness.

Action Strategies:

1) Talk to your significant other or loved one, and explore how conflict was handled in their family. Find out if they were allowed to speak about their thoughts or feelings, or if they were punished for communicating.

2) Discuss some guidelines for conflict resolution that each person could feel comfortable with, and remind your partner during those moments of conflict to use one of the methods.

3) Keep a log or diary of the trigger events that occur, and how you react. Self awareness is the first step toward a productive and successful plan of action.

 

 

The Language Of Love: Unexpected Strategies for Intimacy

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What is an Unexpected, Powerful Strategy for Increased Intimacy in Relationships?

The answer may seem like a very dull response to this tantalizing question. The answer? Learn to use more “Objective Language” rather than “Subjective Language”.  You may cringe, and ask, “What are you talking about?” OK…here goes! To give an example of “Subjective Language”, I will write out a hypothetical dialogue.

Jane Doe asks, “What is the weather like today?” If I, Ellen Anmuth respond, “Nice”, that response is considered to be subjective, because the word “Nice” does not paint a “word picture” of the actual weather. A nice day for one person could be a rainy day, and for another, it could be a sunny day.

What is an example of “Objective Language”? If Jane Doe asks “What is the weather like today”, and I, Ellen Anmuth respond, “The sky is bright blue, the trees are rustling gently with the breeze, and there is not a cloud in the sky”, this response paints a “word picture” that you can visualize.

How does this example relate to romantic love and communication that enhances intimacy? In the case of a married couple, if a wife says to her husband, “I wish you would show your love more”, her husband may have an idea what she wants. However, the wife’s communication was very “subjective” because she did not define what specific behavior her husband could do that would register in her mind, heart and soul, as representing “love”. For example, would she want him to bring her flowers, empty the garbage, massage her back, or pay the bills once a month, for example? The list of possibilities are endless.

How do we decide if a word is “Subjective” or “Objective”? This is challenging, as there is a continuum of possibility. When I  ran workshops on communication, I would ask my class, “Is the word ‘Mountain’ considered subjective or objective?” Most of the class would say it was an “Objective” word. I would ask the class to close their eyes, and envision a mountain. Then, when I asked them to open their eyes, the group was amazed to learn that some people visualized a mountain in Hawaii, while others visualized a snow covered mountain in Switzerland in the winter.

The conclusion of this very complex communication challenge is this: When you think you may be communicating clearly and specifically, think again, or ask your partner what they are picturing, thinking or believing about what you are saying. Then be prepared that you may need to clarify, and attempt again to communicate more specifically what you mean. It is usually advisable to ask your partner to paraphrase his or her understanding of the message, and then….be prepared to further clarify your message! Communication is just that complex, because language is based on symbolic representation, which is different for every person.

 

 

 

“The Secret of Talking is Listening”: A Hollywood Line, or Good Advice?

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The Secret of Talking is Listening“The Secret of Talking is Listening”. This is a quote from the film with Matt Damon and Scarlett Johannson called “We Bought a Zoo”.

Flipping through TV channels today, I heard this line in the middle of this movie. I was intrigued with a film writer’s idea of effective communication.

Is this good advice?  Sure…listening is always important. However, this film line fails to encompass the broader complexities of effective communication, conflict resolution or healthy relationships.

The film writer, I suspect, is using semantic shorthand to correlate the notion of of “talking” with “communication”. However, listening is only one aspect of effective communication.

Other “secrets” of good communication are patience, managing emotions, clarifying misunderstandings, using solution focused, objective language, being aware of tone of voice and non-verbal behavior, such as eye rolls and sighs that convey disgust, and the use of techniques such as “paraphrase” and “reflection of feeling”, just to touch the surface of some strategies and  elements of healthy and effective interpersonal communication.

Yes, a Hollywood film writer seemed to have collapsed a highly complex series of interpersonal transactions into a sound bite, “The Secret of Talking is Listening”.  “Listening” is simply one essential and fundamental aspect of increasing the probability that an interpersonal communication event will leave both parties feeling satisfied.

Perhaps it is not a figure of speech for the film writer to write: The Secret of Talking is Listening”. Have effective communication skills and techniques been kept a “secret”?  Have school systems in elementary school and secondary school given our children enough classes in this subject of effective communication, conflict resolution, managing emotions, managing anger, and using solution-focused communication?

I believe it is time to stop keeping these skills and techniques a “secret”, and have public school systems, colleges and adult education courses teach the basics of interpersonal communication and conflict resolution, anger management, and staying connected even when communication conflict gives us the feeling that we want to either run away or attack.

ACTION STRATEGIES:

1) Notice how you respond when you feel misunderstood or hurt during a conversation. Do you tend to use attack language, or do you detach, not telling the other person why you are upset?

2) How do you listen? What are the elements of effective listening skills?

3) Do you know how to use techniques such as “Paraphrase” and “Reflection of Feeling” during interpersonal communication?

4) If you feel that effective communication skills and techniques have been kept “secret” from you, take steps to learn new skills and techniques to apply during a moment of interpersonal communication difficulty or breakdown. This could improve your personal relationships, professional relationships, your stress reduction plan and your overall health.

 

Violent Communication: When A Whisper Can Wound

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What  is Violent Communication?

We think of certain behaviors as being violent,  such as yelling and  name calling.  These are obvious examples. What about the more subtle forms of interpersonal hostility and aggression?

When can a  whisper be considered violent? Sarcasm can be whispered. Someone can roll their eyes, and sigh, conveying disgust and disdain, which is very hurtful to the recipient.

Non-verbal communication and tone can be aggressive when they convey contempt, as opposed to conveying healthy anger or feelings of hurt in a direct manner, that leads to problem solving strategies. Sarcasm, eye rolls, name calling and sighs tend to be “zingers” that only hurt.

It may be helpful to distinguish “Healthy Anger” from  “Unhealthy Anger” or “Toxic Anger”. In the case of healthy anger, a person can use phrases such as, ” I feel angry when______”, and the example is then described with a neutral behavioral context. There can be a systematic process of uncovering feelings, clearing up misunderstandings, stating requests and  negotiating a solution.

ACTION STRATEGIES:

1) Notice if you, or the person you are in a relationship with, tends to utilize yelling or  name calling  with loud volume, or if there is a tendency to use hurtful non-verbal communication, such as sighs and eye rolls, or the use of sarcasm.

2) Notice what you feel, if you are on the receiving end of such behavior.

3) Notice what you feel if you are the person doing these behaviors. If so, notice if you feel discouraged and hopeless with this strategy.

4) Consider some healthier ways to manage your emotions, and learn to communicate using compassionate and clear solution focused methods.

 

Emotions, Defense Mechanisms and Discernment: An Inquiry into the Complexity of Communication

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What are Defense Mechanisms, and what do they have to do with emotions, effective communication and healthy relationships?

Defense mechanisms are, by definition, unconscious processes. Yikes!! If they are unconscious, how do we deal with them?

Let’s start with the easy part.

We think of “Emotions” as being the feelings we have, such as anger, sadness, fear, joy, happiness, guilt, shame…the list is quite extensive.

The notion of “Defense Mechanisms” is a more difficult concept to grasp. When I was in graduate school studying to be a psychotherapist, we studied many theories. One school of thought was that there are unconscious processes called Defense Mechanisms that would automatically be clicked into gear when we were faced with a threatening or upsetting life event.

These DM’s (Defense Mechanisms) serve to protect us when we are under stress, but when over-used, they can be a problem. For example, if you hear about a friend or family member who has suddenly died, the first reaction may be a DM called “Denial”, and a person says, “No, it cannot be true”. At first, the denial gives a buffer of time for the trauma to be integrated.

If time goes by, and a person is still in denial about the death of a loved one, it becomes an unhealthy pattern of avoidance.

Some people consider “denial” to be a form of dissociation from one’s own feelings. For example, in a relationship, if someone feels threatened or upset, they may begin to go into denial, and not be aware of appropriate feelings of anger or hurt.

The tendency to detach when in a relationship conflict is understandable, in the context of the conceptual framework discussed in this article.

Tips to deal with the Defense Mechanism of Denial:

  1. Be open to the words and emotions of the person you are in a relationship with, even if it feels difficult.
  2. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling now”? Take a deep breath in, and ask yourself again, “What am I feeling now?”, and see if a different feeling comes into your awareness.
  3. Begin to keep a journal of trigger events, feelings and behavior, and you may be able to see a pattern. This can help to allow unconscious, automatic patterns to become more in the conscious realm of control.

Interpersonal Communication: Can You Play Tennis if You Walk Off the Court?

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Interpersonal Communication: Can You Play Tennis if You Walk Off the Court?

Interpersonal Communication……it seems simple, doesn’t it? Remember the game of “Telephone”? For those who may not be of a “certain age”, the game was played this way: As a child, we would sit on the floor in a circle of 10-15 children, and whisper a phrase into the ear of the child to our right. That child would then whisper the message they heard into the ear of the child to their right, and around the circle the message would go. By the time the last child heard the message, he or she would tell the group what the message was. Of course, the message was never the same! Often, it was a distorted, comical new version of the original, and all the kids would laugh, knowing that the outcome would be a hilarious distortion of the original message.

Fast forward to the world of adult communication, and the outcomes are anything but comical. The breakdowns in communication are often wrought with gut-wrenching misunderstandings, hurt feelings, anger, resentments and broken relationships.

When you feel misunderstood, angry or hurt in a communication or relationship interaction, what is your style of dealing with that event? Do you detach and say nothing, get angry and explode, or explore the issue in an appropriate, calm and effective manner?

Do you metaphorically stay on the tennis court, and volley back the ball, or do you put down the tennis racquet, and walk off the court?

If you feel bad about an interpersonal interaction, do you continue the “tennis game” feeling resentful, but never call this person again to play tennis, keeping all your feelings secret? Or, do you know a few simple tools and techniques that you can use immediately?

Knowing your emotional style of handling communication breakdown, and using simple and effective communication strategies are the keys to having successful relationships in your personal and business life, which correlates with increased happiness and abundance in all your endeavors.

Three Action Tips:

  1. Recall your “family of origin”, or the family you grew up in. If you were in a non-traditional family, think about the people who had a great deal of influence over your upbringing.
  2. Analyze if there were any obvious patterns of behavior regarding communication and conflict resolution. Did parental figures detach in silence, not letting another person know if they were upset, or what their needs were? Or, did you grow up in a family where people exploded in anger, leaving emotional wreckage in their path? Or, did people tend to communicate calmly and clearly, to a resolution point where all parties felt heard and understood?
  3. Keep a log or journal of moments of stress or conflict in relationships. Document your patterns and note if you tend to detach, attack, or implement effective communication and conflict resolution strategies. Make connections to your family of origin patterns.