Tag Archives: Communication

Depression on Easter Sunday

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“Ask Ellen Anmuth Psychotherapist” is a series dedicated to readers’ questions on topics such as depression, anxiety, anger, relationships, communication, conflict resolution, grief/ loss/bereavement, genetic counseling, medical problems, and stress management.  Today’s blog is focused on depression associated with holidays.

Amy from Maine writes: “Dear Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist: Today is Easter Sunday, and I am feeling very depressed. I moved to Maine last October from San Diego. My family and life-long friends live in Southern California. This is the first Easter in a new place. I have been feeling depressed all week, and today was a very hard day. Please help.”

Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist writes: Dear Amy: Relocation to a new place can be a very difficult adjustment. When I read that you moved from Southern California in October of last year to Maine, that means that you experienced a very cold and challenging winter season. In addition, the sun sets earlier in Maine than Southern California. People who change their locations may have a condition called Seasonal Affective Disorder, related to reduced sunlight exposure.

Depression can be triggered by other factors, as well, such as a holiday spent away from family and friends. Was this your first Easter Sunday spent without these familiar faces?  Was Easter Sunday usually a day of spiritual and emotional comfort?

Finally, relocating your home involves loss and adjustment. Some people focus only on the positive aspects of a move, and try to keep up a happy face, in spite of feelings of sadness and loss. Attempting to deny the feelings of loss can create more feelings of depression. There is an expression, ‘what we resist, persists’. By talking about feelings of loss, we become more empowered to cope with the challenges. Speaking with a Licensed Mental Health professional can also be of help. Easter Sunday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, and anniversaries of deaths can all trigger depression. Creating a support group of friends during holiday times can help to avert severe depression. It took much courage for you to relocate across the country. Sometimes it takes equal courage to reach out for help and support during the difficult times. It is wonderful that you were able to write this email. If you continue to seek local support within your community, you will find the transition to Maine easier to adapt to.

 

Watch the Charlie Rose Show’s Tribute to Roger Ebert

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Roger Ebert ‘s life was discussed on the Charlie Rose show on April 8, 2013, by a panel who were articulate, eloquent and inspiring.

I grew up watching the Siskel and Ebert film reviews on TV and enjoyed their intellectually stimulating discussions about films. In retrospect, I think that they modeled for me a level of sophisticated conversation where two very bright people could disagree and argue with respect and kindness.

That  level of intellectual conversation was a training ground for me, of sorts. As a therapist, I learned to teach communication skills and conflict resolution skills, noting the difference between “content” and “process”. Yes, the “content” of the discourse between Siskel and Ebert was lively, smart and intellectually stimulating. The “process” of their interaction was a role model where each person maintained their passionate beliefs about a film, and yet, always in a manner that acknowledged the other person’s validity and right to their point of view.

I learned that two people can have very divergent opinions, and both can be right. When it comes to a film review, many points of view have validity. These two men modeled how to have a healthy relationship….a good role model of conflict management for marriages, friendships and the business world.

When I watched the Charlie Rose tribute to Rober Ebert, other aspects were discussed, such as his generosity to write letters to his viewers, responding to their questions. He had a strong Twitter following after he lost his voice to the ravages of cancer and had written numerous letters to TV viewers, who shared these letters on Twitter. The Charlie Rose Show paid tribute to his generosity and kindness, as he took time out of his busy week to personally answer letters. The impact on his viewers was profound to them, personally and professionally.

When he lost his voice to cancer, he began to use Twitter to continue to critique films, and expanded his analysis to life and his illness. He was such an entertaining writer, that his Twitter followers looked forward to his comments about life.

What an amazing legacy of intellect, kindness and exceptional work ethic. I will certainly miss him, and recommend that The Charlie Rose Show’s tribute to Roger Ebert is a must see.

 

3 Strategies For Creating Deeper Relationships By Identifying Conflict Styles

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What are 3 Strategies for Creating Deeper Relationships?

1) Know your conflict style. During moments of conflict, do you tend to attack or detach? If you are in an intimate relationship, what is the conflict style of your partner? If both people tend to avoid conflict, the silent treatment may go on for a while, where issues become ignored and tend to fester.  If you both are hot reactors, there may be yelling and screaming, difficulty in impulse control, and much toxic rage without purposeful conflict resolution. If one person tends to detach, and the other tends to attack, the dynamic may be complex, with an appearance of passive aggressive behavior in response to angry attacks. With these extremes of conflict styles, the outcomes may range from challenging  to perhaps, dismal.

2) Once you evaluate your conflict style, determine who in your life you have difficulty relating to. Does that person have a similar conflict style, or a different style of handling conflict? Begin an inner journey of self discovery, identifying your thoughts and feelings during moments of conflict.

3) Develop a strategy to manage conflict. If you are a hot reactor, find some anger management techniques, and learn to communicate more softly and clearly, handling one small aspect of the conflict at a time. If you tend to avoid conflict, begin with small steps to develop courage to speak your needs. Explore the possibility that you may have “inherited”some family of origin messages about open and honest communication, and the prohibition of such communication. 

Whatever your conflict style, you can grow, stretch and learn new strategies to make relationships deeper, more meaningful, fulfilling and longer lasting.

Ellen Anmuth Psychotherapist: An Analysis of Compassion, Conflict, Insight and Relationships

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Compassion, Conflict and Insight…How do these 3 concepts relate to  Relationships, Happiness, Love, Romance, Communication and Anger Management?

Today is Valentines Day….a day that is correlated with with Romantic Love. Have you ever heard the quote, “The work of real love begins after the romantic fantasy ends”? The author may have been M.Scott Peck or Harville Hendrix, and I regret that my attempt at “Googling” was unsuccessful to confirm the author.(Please let me know the correct author, if anyone finds out!)

I do recall reading a chapter in a book that related to the above-mentioned quote. This concept inspired me to further my work as a Psychotherapist and Educator, relative to teaching couples how to remain loving and connected when disagreements or conflict arises. I was inspired to develop a method called “The Language Of Solutions”, in which a 4-Step Method in the form of a dialogue guide teaches couples how to stay connected in a loving manner, even if they feel hurt, angry, dismissed, misunderstood, attacked, or the myriad of other emotions that can easily tear apart a loving bond.

When people feel hurt in a romantic relationship, there may be a number of reactions. Some people attack with angry words, and other people withdraw and sulk in isolating silence and detachment.

What role does compassion and insight play during a tense moment of conflict between loved ones? The degree of “reflex anger” can be reduced. If you learn about your partner’s “family of origin” issues, you may find yourself becoming more patient and less reactive. Abusive behavior is not to be tolerated. Couples can learn skills and strategies to deal with hurt and pain that is kind and loving. Anger can be expressed lovingly and compassionately, which can increase intimacy and closeness.

Action Strategies:

1) Talk to your significant other or loved one, and explore how conflict was handled in their family. Find out if they were allowed to speak about their thoughts or feelings, or if they were punished for communicating.

2) Discuss some guidelines for conflict resolution that each person could feel comfortable with, and remind your partner during those moments of conflict to use one of the methods.

3) Keep a log or diary of the trigger events that occur, and how you react. Self awareness is the first step toward a productive and successful plan of action.

 

 

The Language Of Love: Unexpected Strategies for Intimacy

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What is an Unexpected, Powerful Strategy for Increased Intimacy in Relationships?

The answer may seem like a very dull response to this tantalizing question. The answer? Learn to use more “Objective Language” rather than “Subjective Language”.  You may cringe, and ask, “What are you talking about?” OK…here goes! To give an example of “Subjective Language”, I will write out a hypothetical dialogue.

Jane Doe asks, “What is the weather like today?” If I, Ellen Anmuth respond, “Nice”, that response is considered to be subjective, because the word “Nice” does not paint a “word picture” of the actual weather. A nice day for one person could be a rainy day, and for another, it could be a sunny day.

What is an example of “Objective Language”? If Jane Doe asks “What is the weather like today”, and I, Ellen Anmuth respond, “The sky is bright blue, the trees are rustling gently with the breeze, and there is not a cloud in the sky”, this response paints a “word picture” that you can visualize.

How does this example relate to romantic love and communication that enhances intimacy? In the case of a married couple, if a wife says to her husband, “I wish you would show your love more”, her husband may have an idea what she wants. However, the wife’s communication was very “subjective” because she did not define what specific behavior her husband could do that would register in her mind, heart and soul, as representing “love”. For example, would she want him to bring her flowers, empty the garbage, massage her back, or pay the bills once a month, for example? The list of possibilities are endless.

How do we decide if a word is “Subjective” or “Objective”? This is challenging, as there is a continuum of possibility. When I  ran workshops on communication, I would ask my class, “Is the word ‘Mountain’ considered subjective or objective?” Most of the class would say it was an “Objective” word. I would ask the class to close their eyes, and envision a mountain. Then, when I asked them to open their eyes, the group was amazed to learn that some people visualized a mountain in Hawaii, while others visualized a snow covered mountain in Switzerland in the winter.

The conclusion of this very complex communication challenge is this: When you think you may be communicating clearly and specifically, think again, or ask your partner what they are picturing, thinking or believing about what you are saying. Then be prepared that you may need to clarify, and attempt again to communicate more specifically what you mean. It is usually advisable to ask your partner to paraphrase his or her understanding of the message, and then….be prepared to further clarify your message! Communication is just that complex, because language is based on symbolic representation, which is different for every person.

 

 

 

Relationships: Creating Deeper Connections (Is the time right?)

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Relationships are fluid….like an intricate and delicate dance, the relational system is ever-changing. Sometimes relationships become more distant and detached, and other times,  people in relationship become more deeply connected.

 How do we create deeper connections?

Perhaps the first question may be, “do you want to deepen the relationship you are in?” Depending upon the nature of the relationship, firmer boundaries may be advantageous.

What do I mean by “boundaries”? Boundaries can be understood as the separations between people. For example, in the workplace, some relationships are meant to be more distant, in that it may be unwise to share too much personal information, especially during  a crisis, such as a divorce.

In personal relationships, such as friendships, the dance of relationship seems to be in assessing the “climate” of intimacy vs. distance, in terms of how much personal information to disclose.

In relationships that are becoming romantic, the dance step still remains a fluid process. For example, how much vulnerability do you disclose, and at what stage in the relationship?

For most people, timing is important, and it may be advisable to disclose small bits of vulnerable information at first, to assess how such tender information if handled by the other person. In a healthy and loving relationship, past hurts and vulnerabilities, if handled appropriately, can be help build a foundation of trust and deepening love.

In romantic relationships that are longstanding, if a person begins to disclose vulnerable information outside the relationship, this could be a sign that intimacy is beginning to deteriorate, and the relationship may benefit from therapy by a licensed mental health professional.

TIPS:

1) Assess carefully when you are ready to disclose some vulnerability in a developing relationship.

2) Notice how you feel when you disclose this information. Does the other person seem to connect with you more deeply, or run away?

3) Check in with yourself. What expectations do you have of this potential friend or partner? What do you think is a healthy balance of opening up some vulnerability, but not overwhelming the other person with too much information for their comfort zone?

4) In attempting to create deeper connections, it is important to evaluate the readiness and ability of the other person to handle such disclosures.

Relationships: Creating Deeper Connections

“The Secret of Talking is Listening”: A Hollywood Line, or Good Advice?

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The Secret of Talking is Listening“The Secret of Talking is Listening”. This is a quote from the film with Matt Damon and Scarlett Johannson called “We Bought a Zoo”.

Flipping through TV channels today, I heard this line in the middle of this movie. I was intrigued with a film writer’s idea of effective communication.

Is this good advice?  Sure…listening is always important. However, this film line fails to encompass the broader complexities of effective communication, conflict resolution or healthy relationships.

The film writer, I suspect, is using semantic shorthand to correlate the notion of of “talking” with “communication”. However, listening is only one aspect of effective communication.

Other “secrets” of good communication are patience, managing emotions, clarifying misunderstandings, using solution focused, objective language, being aware of tone of voice and non-verbal behavior, such as eye rolls and sighs that convey disgust, and the use of techniques such as “paraphrase” and “reflection of feeling”, just to touch the surface of some strategies and  elements of healthy and effective interpersonal communication.

Yes, a Hollywood film writer seemed to have collapsed a highly complex series of interpersonal transactions into a sound bite, “The Secret of Talking is Listening”.  “Listening” is simply one essential and fundamental aspect of increasing the probability that an interpersonal communication event will leave both parties feeling satisfied.

Perhaps it is not a figure of speech for the film writer to write: The Secret of Talking is Listening”. Have effective communication skills and techniques been kept a “secret”?  Have school systems in elementary school and secondary school given our children enough classes in this subject of effective communication, conflict resolution, managing emotions, managing anger, and using solution-focused communication?

I believe it is time to stop keeping these skills and techniques a “secret”, and have public school systems, colleges and adult education courses teach the basics of interpersonal communication and conflict resolution, anger management, and staying connected even when communication conflict gives us the feeling that we want to either run away or attack.

ACTION STRATEGIES:

1) Notice how you respond when you feel misunderstood or hurt during a conversation. Do you tend to use attack language, or do you detach, not telling the other person why you are upset?

2) How do you listen? What are the elements of effective listening skills?

3) Do you know how to use techniques such as “Paraphrase” and “Reflection of Feeling” during interpersonal communication?

4) If you feel that effective communication skills and techniques have been kept “secret” from you, take steps to learn new skills and techniques to apply during a moment of interpersonal communication difficulty or breakdown. This could improve your personal relationships, professional relationships, your stress reduction plan and your overall health.