Ellen Anmuth asks: How can you turn the language of problems into “The Language Of Solutions”?

We have all been there — a moment of tension or conflict, where the uncomfortable energy is palpable. Yes, it is a feeling, an intuitive knowing, that there is an impasse, or perhaps anger is escalating.

In these moments of tension, do you verbally  freeze up, or do you go into constructive action because you have a “toolkit” of strategies to use?

Yes, in these moments of interpersonal stress, some people detach, others verbally attack, and some people simply identify and name the problem. While naming the problem may be a good first step, it is not the full answer.What is missing here? How about suggesting a solution, or a specific request for change in behavior that, if implemented, would solve the problem?

Here is a simple example where using “The Language Of Solutions” can quickly offer a remedy to the tension in the moment. Let’s say you play tennis with a friend, and the court is reserved from Noon-1PM. You get there at 11:55, and your partner consistently arrives at 10 minutes past the hour! To make matters worse, he never apologizes, and actually takes another 10 minutes stretching. Now, your 60 minute tennis court reservation is reduced to 40 minutes of actual play time.

One option is to tell your tennis buddy that he always arrives 10 minutes past Noon, and then does 10 minutes of stretching. However what verbal strategy is missing here? The missing aspect is to ask your partner for a specific change in his behavior, such as, “I notice that rather than arrive at noon, our scheduled time to play tennis, you arrive 10 minutes past the hour, and stretch for another 10 minutes. Are you able to come 20 minutes earlier, so that the tennis play can begin at noon?”

There are other strategies that could be implemented, such as clarifying assumptions, identifying  feelings about the situation, and checking out the other person’s perceptions. Communication is very complex, and there is much to learn.

This tennis situation actually happened to me, and I implemented these strategies, to discover that  my tennis partner preferred to paint, tinker with his cars, or do a number of other activities, and tennis was not his favorite thing to do. He never told me this directly…he just came later and later!

When I let him know that I preferred to play tennis with a partner who would come on time, and who would use the full 60 minutes of play, he decided that his heart was not in the game, and in a compassionate and kind manner,we both decided to cancel any future games. I then quickly found a new tennis buddy who shared my passion for the game.

Relationships prosper and are nurtured by honest communication, gentle confrontation,  and compassionate negotiation.