“Ask Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist” is a series of blog entries by Ellen Anmuth MS, MSW, LCSW, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Select emails will be answered which may appeal to a broad audience.
This blog does not replace mental health counseling services, and I strongly recommend seeking the help of local licensed mental health providers when indicated. The Social Work Services Department of most hospitals can be a helpful referral source, especially if financial need is an issue.
This article will deal with two different topics from Sharon in Texas and Don in California.
Sharon S. from Texas: “I find myself seeking approval from my family. They tend to be very controlling and critical, and I am afraid to make a decision that they may not approve of”.
Ellen Anmuth MS, MSW, LCSW: Sharon, I see that you are 20 years old, and living at home while attending community college. This can be a difficult period of life for you, in terms of a concept called, “separation-individuation”. You are in a period of life that some therapists call “The Young Adult Transition”. There are certain developmental tasks in each period of adult life, and stress can result when our inner compass differs from parents’ views. Do you have friends you can relate to, and who share your values? What type of things do your parents disapprove of? Are you engaging in any dangerous activity that would support their concern, or do you feel that their controlling behavior is related to treating you like a teenager, rather than a young adult? Sometimes, if parents have a difficult time adjusting to an adult child’s need for separation and individuation, conflict can emerge. Perhaps there might be counseling services through the community college, where you may be able to meet with a licensed therapist in person, to better evaluate the situation and guide you through your options and coping strategies.
Don M. from California: “I am pre-med, and so anxious about my tests that I can’t concentrate to study, and my grades are suffering. Do you have any ideas how I can study when I have so much anxiety about failing?”
Ellen Anmuth MS,MSW, LCSW: Don, this is a question that so many others have asked me. I have an Education degree, and was an Assistant Professor of Family Medicine, teaching medical students and doctors about psychology and education. I developed a technique to help people deal with test anxiety that was blocking their concentration. Try this: Take a sheet of paper, and make two columns: 1) The advantages of holding onto the feeling of anxiety, and 2) The disadvantages of holding onto the feeling of anxiety. Fill out both columns quickly, writing the first things that come to mind. You will see a pattern, which will reveal information that may provide some insight. You may find that there is no logical “advantage” of holding onto the feeling of anxiety! That realization helps us to compartmentalize it away, at least temporarily, in order to concentrate.
Another useful technique is to make a “contract” with yourself, that every day, from 8pm-10pm you will study the course material that worries you the most. Do an “imagery exercise”: Imagine putting the feeling of anxiety in a box that you can put away (metaphorically speaking). You may imagine putting a box with your anxiety on a shelf in your closet, where you can close the door, so that with your anxiety “away” for the few hours, you can focus on the subject matter. After 2 hours, if you want to find that box, open it up, and experience the feeling of anxiety again, you can. You have that control. However, after 2 hours of focused study, you may find that the anxiety can stay in the closed box, and that you feel more confident and relaxed! In fact, you may decide to throw that black box with anxiety out into the trash, rather than keep it on your closet shelf. This is a guided imagery exercise, which may be helpful. With incremental hours of successful concentration, you will feel more in control, and more confident about passing your tests.