Tag Archives: Self Esteem

Ask Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist: Reduce Stress in College

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“Ask Ellen Anmuth, Psychotherapist”  is a series of blog entries by Ellen Anmuth MS, MSW, LCSW,  a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Select emails will be answered which may appeal to a broad audience.

This blog does not replace mental health counseling services, and I strongly recommend seeking the help of local licensed mental health providers when indicated. The Social Work Services Department of most hospitals can be a helpful referral source, especially if financial need is an issue.

This article will deal with two different topics from Sharon in Texas and  Don in California.

Sharon S. from Texas: “I find myself seeking approval from my family. They tend to be very controlling and critical, and I am afraid to make a decision that they may not approve of”.

Ellen Anmuth MS, MSW, LCSW: Sharon, I see that you are 20 years old, and living at home while attending community college. This can be a difficult period of life for you, in terms of a concept called, “separation-individuation”. You are in a period of life that some therapists call “The Young Adult Transition”. There are certain developmental tasks in each period of adult life, and stress can result when our inner compass differs from parents’ views.  Do you have friends you can relate to, and who share your values? What type of things do your parents disapprove of?  Are you engaging in any dangerous activity that would support their concern, or do you feel that their controlling behavior is related to treating you like a teenager, rather than a young adult? Sometimes, if parents have a difficult time adjusting to an adult child’s need for separation and individuation, conflict can emerge. Perhaps there might be counseling services through the community college, where you may be able to meet with a licensed therapist in person, to better evaluate the situation and guide you through your options and coping strategies.

Don M. from California: “I am pre-med, and so anxious about my tests that I can’t concentrate to study, and my grades are suffering. Do you have any ideas how I can study when I have so much anxiety about failing?”

Ellen Anmuth MS,MSW, LCSW:  Don, this is a question that so many others have asked me. I have an Education degree, and was an Assistant Professor of Family Medicine, teaching  medical students and doctors about psychology and education. I developed a technique to help people deal with test anxiety that was blocking their concentration. Try this: Take a sheet of paper, and make two columns: 1) The advantages of holding onto the feeling of anxiety, and 2) The disadvantages of holding onto the feeling of anxiety.  Fill out both columns quickly, writing the first things that come to mind. You will see a pattern, which will reveal information that may provide some insight. You may find that there is no logical “advantage” of holding onto the feeling of anxiety! That realization helps us to compartmentalize it away, at least temporarily, in order to concentrate.

Another useful technique is to make a “contract” with yourself, that every day, from 8pm-10pm you will study the course material that worries you the most. Do an “imagery exercise”: Imagine putting the feeling of anxiety in a box that you can put away (metaphorically speaking). You may imagine putting a box with your anxiety on a shelf in your closet, where you can close the door, so that with your anxiety “away” for the few hours, you can focus on the subject matter. After 2 hours, if you want to find that box, open it up, and experience the feeling of anxiety again, you can. You have that control. However, after 2 hours of focused study, you may find that the anxiety can stay in the closed box, and that you feel more confident and relaxed!  In fact, you may decide to throw that black box with anxiety out into the trash, rather than keep it on your closet shelf. This is a guided imagery exercise, which may be helpful. With incremental hours of successful concentration, you will feel more in control, and more confident about passing your tests.

Ellen Anmuth Commentary – CNN’s “Black In America” TV Broadcast

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How does skin color and ethnic heritage affect self concept and self esteem in America?

I am a Licensed Psychotherapist, Educator, Genetic Counselor, and the creator of “The Language Of Solutions” Self Improvement and Wellness Programs.. As a Genetic Counselor in 1978, I worked in a Genetics Division at a University Medical School setting, helping people with, or at risk for Genetic Disease and Birth Defects understand complex medical information, and to deal with the emotional impact of having genetic disease, birth defects, or neonatal loss. My training at the State University of New York at Stony Brook was “Non-Directive Genetic Counseling”. In other words, I gave information and support, and never advocated opinions related to reproductive outcomes. Much of the work was intense and crisis intervention oriented.

 Back in 1991, a young man who was 19 years old at the time came to me as a therapy client. He was feeling very depressed, and internally conflicted on many levels. He was mixed race, born in Trinidad, and told me that his heritage was black, white, Irish, German, and more.  He had bronze skin, bright blue eyes, and a broad nose.

He said that up until age 13, while living in Trinidad, he had no awareness of the color of his skin, or even the existence of a racial identity. He was just a person, enjoying his life. When he moved to the USA at age 13, he encountered racism like a truck traveling 80 MPH hitting a concrete wall (my metaphor, not his.)

He told me his painful story of “white kids not wanting to play with him because he wasn’t white enough, and black kids not wanting to play with him because he was not black enough”. He was very well-spoken, with clear and proper pronunciation of words….a very sensitive and intellectual young man. He appeared emotionally more evolved than his chronological years.

When he came to America, and people would ask, “What are you”, implying a request to understand his mixed heritage, he would become very uncomfortable, and find himself “apologizing” for the black part of his heritage, by telling stories of slavery that somehow presented an explanation for this “less desired” part of his heritage.

Much of our work centered around building self esteem, and discussing the  undercurrent of racism in America vs. Trinidad, that caused Americans of mixed race to enter into conversations about skin color, identity and self esteem.

When  I saw the TV show tonight, “Black in America”, with Soledad O’Brien as the reporter, I was riveted to every word. The show focused on young people of mixed heritage, and different shades of skin color, and how they felt about themselves. I felt so sad, seeing their pain and torment over racial identity and self esteem.

The TV show also mentioned the “One Drop Rule”, which seems to allude to people calling themselves “Black” when 1/32 of their ancestors are black. The concept of “color-ism” was also presented, related to a photographer producing a book on the various shades of skin of people with black ancestry. I would like to learn more, if people would like to comment on this issue.

The political issues related to mixed race  in the USA are beyond the scope of this article, and beyond my expertise. However, I welcome comments in this area.

My focus of interest, as both a Genetic Counselor and a Licensed Psychotherapist, lies in how growing up mixed race or Black in America affects self esteem, and causes so much suffering in some people. I wonder: Will America ever be a place where skin color is a non issue, such as was in Trinidad 40 years ago, according to the young man who was my client in 1991?

Soledad O’Brien, on the show, “Black in America” spoke about her bi-racial heritage….mother who was Afro-Cuban, and father who was Australian-Irish.

On a personal note, I was always fascinated with the issue of our inner soul and our outer physical appearance. In college, I considered a career working with Burn Patients, whose faces were completely changed by the scarring of burns. I was fascinated to learn how the world would relate to them, and how they would feel about their self worth, in a culture that idolizes a certain concept of “beauty” related to worthiness. I felt a calling to help them to love themselves, despite what cosmetic alteration existed due to the burns, and to embrace the beautiful person inside.

When I was 15 or 16, I was an avid poet, a child of the 60’s, grappling with the social issues of the time. I  wrote a poem called “Prisoner”, and it began: “Here I am, stuck inside my face”….and the poem ended with the sentence, “….only a few people will ever meet me in person”. Perhaps I will dig into my files, find the full poem and publish it here. Apparently, being raised in Long Island, where clothes, image and jewelry  seemed very important, in my own way, I rebelled against the focus on external appearance, vs the true soul inside. Back then, I did not realize the extent to which I was riveted to the issue of  the soul, the person inside, and the over-emphasis on physical appearance.

When I was a child, growing up in the 60’s, a person of mixed race was called Mulatto. President Barack Obama, who has a family tree of a white mother and a black father is called Black, rather than Bi-Racial. I would welcome any comments about all the issues presented in this article, and any ideas about how to help others grappling with low self esteem related to physical appearance.

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Ellen Anmuth Commentary

Bodies Change With Age: Healthy Coping

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How do we emotionally cope with the sadness of growing older  when our bodies change?

This is a very common issue, yet I do not hear this topic being discussed very often. It seems to me that the culture emphasizes youthful appearance as a primary value, rather than accepting the normal aging process without intervention. Face lifts, injections, tummy tucks, hair color and many other procedures are ways to hide our normal aging process.

Every once in a while, I  notice a TV show from England, and I see actors and actressess with lines on their faces, known as wrinkles! Their complexions are far from perfect, and I sometimes exhale with a sense of gratitude, that people are being represented appropriately.

Have you watched film and TV recently, and found that actors/actresses who are above 60 years of age have faces of 30 year olds? Have you noticed the number of magazine photos that are altered?

What message does this send to us? I wonder if there is an unconscious, cultural message that the normal signs of age are to be experienced as something awful, a failure and something that needs to be changed via cosmetic or surgical interventions.

The more important issue here, in my opinion, is that many people begin to feel a sense of low self esteem, depression and self criticism when they age.

How do people cope with a cultural standard of looking young forever, which cannot be met?

ACTION TIPS:

1)Observe your “self talk”….your inner dialogue that tends to be critical.

2) Notice your emotions of sadness or anger toward yourself if you look in the mirror, and dislike what you see.

3) It is appropriate to grieve over loss of function, such as a knee problem that prevents walking upstairs, or another medical condition that causes disability or loss of prior functional ability. Acknowledge  appropriate sadness over changes in physical function, and get some professional or friend support for dealing with this sadness.

4) Become aware how much sadness and judgement you experience around issues of cosmetic things, such as wrinkles. Buffer your critical self judgement with the knowledge that the larger culture may be creating a standard that is unrealistic, made up of many people who have facelifts, injections or touched up photos.

5) Focus on the important features of you as a person, such as kindness, honesty, integrity, compassion and generosity. Give yourself lots of validation for these precious aspects of being human.

6) Seek counseling by a Licensed Mental Health Professional if you feel depressed, and cannot overcome this issue yourself.